1 year today.

Life goes on.

I'm sick. I caught the twins cold and we are currently hemorrhaging money from the duplex like it's our job. Oh, and my dad died 1 year ago, today.

(End complaining rant.)

Today is September 20th. First anniversary. Not sure how I feel about today. Mostly, it feels like life goes on, whether you want it to or not.

Went for a bike ride with my family this morning. Then we all ate some crepes and drank some coffee. They went to the shooting range and Tim and I are putting the boys down for a nap. We'l meet up later for dinner at the Olive Garden, Dad's favorite.

I feel like I should process. Or something. I feel like I am waiting for something. Like there should be a ceremonious something or other to commemorate...his death, I guess. Or his life. I don't know. Something. Whatever it is, it wouldn't be enough. So I guess its better that there's nothing. I don't know.

Since last September 20th, its been 365 days, 3 major holidays, 8 family birthdays and 1 year. All that we have experienced without Dad.

Grief is unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and it's different for everyone. I still feel like I need to remind myself that Dad is really, truly dead, that he's not coming back, that the last year hasn't been a dream. It seems so crazy to me that my life is still going on without him in it.

I was the one who discovered he had died. I had gotten childcare that week for Tuesday and Friday so that I could spend some time with him. When I showed up at hospice that Tuesday morning, he had just passed away in his sleep. Peacefully.

Funeral was Friday. At least I already had childcare lined up for the boys. My sweet boys.

Grief sneaks up on you and comes when you least expect it.

I started to try to process the significance of this day last night as I was falling asleep. As I tried to step into a place of grief, I felt a large, grey cloud closing in on me, pressing down and constricting, so I stopped. I don't care what today is, I can't go there, not right now. Still feels too fresh.

I am a pretty strong person, with a fair amount of self awareness, I think I'm pretty resilient.  I also have a strong faith in God. But again and again grief brings me to my knees as if I were a small, helpless child.

And that's what I am. A small, helpless child falling before the throne of grace, so much in need of what He has to offer. I have never been more aware of God's grace in my life.

I am frail and He is strong.

Praise be to God.

Time for a glass of wine and a nap.

So thankful he got to walk me down the aisle.