It's proving to be much harder than last year. More fun, but also more sad.
I don't really know why.
Maybe last year I was still in shock that he was actually gone?
Maybe I was too enthralled watching the twins celebrate their first Christmas?
Maybe I wasn't willing to unlocked the emotions that had my heart tied up in a straight jacket?
Or maybe my sister-in-law made the mimosas too strong?
All are possibilities.
At least she's the mixologist again this year. (Is that a word?)
This year it really hurts. Everywhere I look, I have a memory of him and my heart aches. Starbucks drive-through, Walmart grocery section, Brooklyn Center government building. I am glad I spent so much time with my dad because so many places trigger memories.
Someday that will be great. Right now its hard.
So many of our Christmas ornaments remind me of him. Tim's chocolate covered cherries that Dad hatred so much. I'm with him on that one, ew. The U of MN sweatshirt I bought for him (in my closet now) my freshman year that he couldn't fit over his large head. We laughed until we cried that Christmas. Its still funny in fact. Such a large head, that one.
He's everywhere. It's nice. It's not nice
My biggest goal this Christmas is to not be crabby with my sweet little family just because I'm in pain. Its not fair to them.
This whole "finding a new normal" is much harder than I imagined. I know it will get easier but my family is not to same and it never will be. This seems so much more obvious at Christmas.
Christmas is a time to celebrate the greatest gift we've ever received and what unending joy there is it that! I pray that I am strengthened to look beyond my grief to see the joy, the gift, the Savior. That a shift in my perspective will change everything. It usually does.
I like this verse from the message, especially the part about God taking me seriously and giving me room to breathe. That's something to celebrate.
“You’ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away
from it all, a lifetime pass to your safe-house, an open
invitation as your guest. You’ve always taken me seriously,
God, made me welcome among those who know and love you.”
(Psalm 61:3-4 MSG)
Merry Christmas!
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