Hey ya’ll. Its been awhile, hey? Well, I’m back, at least
for today. Sadly, this is going to be a final post of sorts, at least for a
while. I will likely post a pic or two of the little darling I’m wearing on the
inside these days and maybe a family update or two from time to time,
especially if the Lord does indeed lead us to adopt. Most likely I will also share
a few of the crazy happenings of having 4 babies in 5 years…..if I survive that
is!
I’m 4 ½ months (18 weeks) and still waiting for the
“second trimester energy” to kick in. Ugh.
The reason for this “sabbatical” is that God has gently told
me that it’s time to shelve the blog for a time. I’ve know for a while that it
was time to shelve most of my writing aspirations, but I was still hanging onto
to blog, hoping that it wasn’t included in the list of things God wanted me to
release.
This may be a longer post (making up for lost time much?),
so forgive me, but it seemed silly to do Final Post Part I and Final Post Part
II, you know? So grab a cup of coffee.
And…maybe a scone. My personal favorite is whole wheat chocolate cherry.
Ok, now that you have your snack (eat slowly), let’s get started. First I want to share a little (maybe a little too much… ) history.
Imagine with me a time that God released you to do something you really, really wanted to do. Maybe you were so overcome with excitement you could hardly stand it. Maybe you had prayed about it for years, waiting for God’s perfect timing. Maybe you had to save up or raise the funds to make it possible. Maybe it took years of prayer before the tiny spark grew into a real flame. Maybe you even broke up with your husband after a couple months of dating b/c you weren’t sure you shared the same dream. Wait, that would never happen.
The fact that it was coming to be seemed too good to be true.
A dream was coming true.
Things were falling into place.
This dream was ceasing to be a dream and starting to be your new normal. Maybe you were counting down the days, planning out all the details, trying to anticipate everything that could be anticipated. Maybe you soaked up each and every delicious moment of your dream, doing your very best to be completely present, to trust God, to remember each precious memory of God’s faithfulness.
Maybe the time came to buy plane tickets. You’d already rented out your house, given away furniture and car, quit job, packed all your earthly belongings into bright yellow action packers, and taken community ed French.…..
And maybe God told you stop the car. Not just stop the car, but turn it off, get out, shut the door with the keys inside and walk away.
Don’t look back.
Move on.
Start a new chapter.
What you thought was going to be your new normal was actually just going to end up in the ‘unrealized dream’ category.
Maybe it was hard.
Maybe.
Going from painful obedience to joyful sacrifice is usually hard, at least in my limited experience. I’m still in the middle somewhere in between obedience and sacrifice and it’s been over 4 years. It’s possible that I process change slowly.
It’s been in this extended process of grieving the loss of this dream that God began to birth a new and VERY unexpected (and wicked scary!) dream of a new variety. A dream of ministering through the arts of speaking and writing.
What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?!?
For a few years, I was really scared to admit this to anyone, to say it out loud, or even “confess” that this is what I was praying about. I’ve never considered myself a very good writer or public speaker, but regardless of that I’m not afraid anymore. God made a donkey speak afterall :) This was never my dream to start with. I didn’t pick it, ask for it or even want it. And if it ever becomes a reality happens, it will be truly miraculous! But hey, I believe in miracles, and I’m willing to spend my life doing whatever He deems best. Go big or go home, right? Eek!
I wanted to be a missionary for a long time, over half my
life. Seeing that dream disintegrate
before my very eyes broke my heart, but it’s taught me that God always has a
plan. It’s not a back-up plan either. His new plan is always a better plan than
the first. Always. That’s how He rolls, ya’ll. Believe it. This new dream soften the blow a bit as well; it took some of the sting out knowing He had something else up His sleeve. It's one this to know that in your heart, another to feel a little more hope of it in your heart.
Beautiful thing is, I don’t need to remind God what He has
spoken to me b/c He’s the one who said it.
Let that sink in a minute.
Maybe even reread it. I know I need to.
He remembers the promises He’s given to me b/c He gave them. Though I stumble through my faithfulness, He wavers not. Maybe He’s told you you’ll have a biological child, maybe He’s called you to the nations, maybe He’s told you He would heal your body or bring salvation to your loved one or pull you out of the pit of addiction. Maybe He told you He’d bring reconciliation to your marriage. He remembers, dear one, He remembers what He’s said to you b/c HE SAID IT!
Can I get a hallelujah!?!
Ok, if you’re still reading I promise I’m getting to my point…..
All of this brings me to my main point. I know, finally, right!? This little sack of dust shouldn’t be writing no blog. Not right now. The kind of blog that I want to write, I’m not capable of doing right now and I don’t want to pander just to get readers. I don’t mind the occasional recipe or DIY, but that’s not my heart. In order to bring the type of discourse to the inter-webs that I desire, I need to walk deeper into this valley and come out on the other side with more victory. Do I have a few great stories, anecdotes, experiences already? Sure I do. But I want more. I want to write in a way that births a new understanding of my Jesus in my readers and to do that I need more Jesus myself. A. Lot. More.
Ultimately, God’s made it clear to me that this isn’t my time to blog, write, etc. I do hope to back someday.
Either way, I do want to leave you with a couple of the blogs that I love. I read very, very few blogs faithfully, but these 2 blogs I always read and I am always blessed. There are many excellent bloggers out there and I love that there are so many unique voices at my fingertips, I just don’t get much time to read them regularly.
Someday I hope to blog like these lovely ladies. :)
I can’t remember how I found this blog but I love it. I love her heart, I love her writing style, I love her passion and I love her depth. If anything will keep me coming back for more, its depth. She write a lot about adoption, but honestly, her stuff is great and I think anyone can relate to the truths she unfolds. I cry almost every time I read it, but maybe that’s just cuz I’m prego…
My girl Monica over at Elevate Ideas is an all star. All. Star. I laugh, I cry and I am deeply challenged and encouraged by what she writes. I met her last summer at a womens’ writing/speaking conference (She Speaks). She was my prayer pal and the rest is history. She was recently launched into the world of speaking engagements, which is very exciting. No one likes a bragger, but I called that one a year ago (ahem). Grin. Just sayin'.
Thanks for reading.
Like Jack Bauer, I’m going dark.
Peace out, ya’ll.
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