Captain America Birthday!

This was a big weekend for us, my #1 baby boy turned 4 years old!

 How is it possible that I already have a 4 yr old?! I do not feel old enough for that. Sometimes I still look around for the real parents to come back and claim their children...

What a good looking trio

They never come, weird. Looks like we're it :)

We spent the weekend celebrating Jackson's life with a couple very low key parties. I use the term party very, very loosely. Nana joined us on his actual birthday and some friends the next night.

Breakfast birthday donuts. Which actually ended up being
lunch dessert  b/c we didn't get to the store until after breakfast.
Oh well, pretty sure he still loved them. Seeing as how we're
"those" parents who rarely give sugar, I figure you can't
have too many treats on your birhtday.

Dinner with Nana

Beck and Nana-bird

For dinner, my little man requested macaroni and cheese (from a box) with hot dogs mixed in. I was thrilled. I am all about simple when it comes to kid birthdays. Especially if all 3 will actually eat it. I did, however make spaghetti for the adults in the "crowd." Pretty sure Nana was quite happy about that!

And for dessert....Captain America Cake! It may not be the prettiest cake you've ever seen, but it was made with love. Like I said before, I am all about simple and semi-homemade, even if it isn't very attractive. I have no shame. Making a tasty dessert is easy. Making a tasty and beautiful dessert is harder, especially for me. So there you go.

When asked who he wanted to join him on his birthday, Jackson was very specific: Nana, N and L. Lucky for me, N and L are 2 of the children of one of my best friends. I was happy to accommodate. We watched both games, Vikes on TV, Broncos on the laptop and had Papa Murphy's and cake and ice cream. Simple and delicious!

J, I, and N havin' some cake and ice cream

Kids had fun, parents had fun. Jackson was celebrated!







We had another thrilling moment this weekend, more thrilling than the birthday festivities, if you can believe that! The day before his 4th birthday, my sweet and thoughtful firstborn prayed to have Jesus come and live in his heart.

Be still my beating heart.

It was a precious moment that I had the privilege of sharing in as the one who launched me into motherhood with the miracle of his life taught me a sweet lesson of the miracle of true LIFE! Oh for joy.

Motherhood rocks.

It still takes A LOT of Jesus for me to be a good mom, a challenge for me each and every day, but Friday afternoon was one of those times that every struggle is made worthwhile.

Happy birthday, Pook. You thrill me, challenge me, and make me a better person each and every day. My heart sings to know that you knew your Papa before he died. I know that you will be a man like him, a man who follows hard after God and whose life shall be marked by obedience. So blessed that you are my son. Love you, little friend :)

Christmas #2

This is my second Christmas without Dad. My second Christmas with the twins.

It's proving to be much harder than last year. More fun, but also more sad.

I don't really know why.

Maybe last year I was still in shock that he was actually gone?

Maybe I was too enthralled watching the twins celebrate their first Christmas?

Maybe I wasn't willing to unlocked the emotions that had my heart tied up in a straight jacket?

Or maybe my sister-in-law made the mimosas too strong?

All are possibilities.

At least she's the mixologist again this year. (Is that a word?)

This year it really hurts. Everywhere I look, I have a memory of him and my heart aches. Starbucks drive-through, Walmart grocery section, Brooklyn Center government building. I am glad I spent so much time with my dad because so many places trigger memories.

Someday that will be great. Right now its hard.

So many of our Christmas ornaments remind me of him. Tim's chocolate covered cherries that Dad hatred so much. I'm with him on that one, ew. The U of MN sweatshirt I bought for him (in my closet now) my freshman year that he couldn't fit over his large head. We laughed until we cried that Christmas. Its still funny in fact. Such a large head, that one.

He's everywhere. It's nice. It's not nice

My biggest goal this Christmas is to not be crabby with my sweet little family just because I'm in pain. Its not fair to them.

This whole "finding a new normal" is much harder than I imagined. I know it will get easier but my family is not to same and it never will be. This seems so much more obvious at Christmas.

Christmas is a time to celebrate the greatest gift we've ever received and what unending joy there is it that! I pray that I am strengthened to look beyond my grief to see the joy, the gift, the Savior. That a shift in my perspective will change everything. It usually does.

I like this verse from the message, especially the part about God taking me seriously and giving me room to breathe. That's something to celebrate.

“You’ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away 

from it all, a lifetime pass to your safe-house, an open 

invitation as your guest. You’ve always taken me seriously, 

God, made me welcome among those who know and love you.” 

(Psalm 61:3-4 MSG)

Merry Christmas!

Advent in light of Conneticut

I have been attempting to write about Friday 

all weekend to very little avail.

Here's what I got.

Its advent.

And its all about it cross.

Always has been.

It seems even more vital now that we draw near to the cross
and reflect on what He did there for us.

What He did for those who are grieving now.

This is the easy part.
The part before harsh reality sets in.
Before their "new normal" must begin.
Because it will never be normal for them again.

Those mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers whose 

lives have just been ravaged by evil.

At Christmastime.

I have yet to shed a tear for all those sweet babies in that school.
I think I'm numb.
I think that if I start to cry, I won't ever stop.
I can't start because it will hurt too bad.

But I can pray.
And I can go to the cross for them.
In this season of advent, I can intercede for them.

Who am I kidding? My heart is so soft these days, I can't pray for a meal without crying. I can't watch a commercial about veterans without weeping. I certainly can't see a commercial for Children's Hospital without needing to leave the room. Sigh. I rejoice in that. My "mushy" heart. It means something.

It means something because of Christ.

Happy advent. Please pray for those families.

How Many Times...

I recently discovered this song by Plumb and I really like it. She's one of the few artists that Tim and I both love. In fact, I think he introduced me to her when we first start dating.

If I wrote songs, I think I would write songs like this one. Though there are a lot of songs that have ministered to me in the past few years this one really gets me. These days I think it could be my daily anthem!

I hope you enjoy it. How many times has He given you strength?

Favorite Quote Friday

While the idea expressed in this post was certainly not original to my dad, it was my conversation about it with him that will be forever etched in my memory.

So, for Favorite Quote Friday, I give you a question posed to me by my dad, shortly before he went home to Jesus:

What can God do with a man or woman who is 

completely and utterly surrendered to him?

This has challenged me every day since Dad and I shared that afternoon together, talking, praying, dreaming and reminiscing. We were making memories. Some of our last.

In an effort to tailor that question to my life right now, I pose this revised question to you:

What can God do with a woman who is completely
and utterly surrender to to Him,
who has maybe 30 consecutive minutes of "spare" time
each week to do anything He asks.

Maybe that sounds silly to you. That my reality right now, I don't have much time. That said, I have more time than I think. There are days when I can get so much done it's amazing! (There are other days when all I can accomplish is keeping my children alive until daddy gets home.) It's a day by day thing.

I don't like to take much time away from my family, not when these precious early years with my boys are at stake. Yet, I feel compelled to keep this question ever before my weary eyes: What can God do with the time I do have? I'm pretty sure the answer to that question is this: A LOT.

The trick is am I open to it? Am I willing to think outside the box and let Him have His way with my life? I sure hope so.

This was my dad's dream and now its mine. I pray that one day it will be my children's dream and I pray they will see it lived out through my life, through Tim's life.

My parents with their grand-babies. Their legacy.

Did you see it coming? Part 2

About a month ago, I painted a small picture of what some of my experiences have been as I attempt to prepare the larger canvas of my life for the new motto God has given me: You CAN Have It All!

I truly believe that this is going to be a breath-taking masterpiece.

And I don't even paint!

I don't think Pinterest inspired spray painting counts...

* *********** *

Let me unpack it a little more.

I want more out of life. A lot more. I'm happy, I love my husband and my children, my church and my friends. But I want more. I want to always want more.

I want to always want more of God for there will always be more of God for me to want.

I'm not trying to speak in riddles, but rather turn on its head the idea that wanting more is bad, or selfish or even sinful. When I say that I want more, that in no way diminishes the abundance I already have. It is my TREASURE to be home with my boys each and every day. There are hard days, lots of them, but I CHERISH the gift of being a stay at home mom. This gift comes from a place of conviction and obedience and the sacrifices that make it possible are worth it. My family is my ultimate priority and always will be.

Before you start nodding your head too hard, that's not the end of my story. I believe there's more, I believe that I serve a God who put big dreams in my heart and by His grace, my family and my ministry, even now, as I swim in diapers and spilled milk, can happily co-exist. Will that be a miracle? Yes it will.

That's the good news! That I can't do it alone! Something tells me you are just as aware of that truth as I am....That we can't do it alone.

The dazzling thing about the balance of family and ministry is that God won't call me to something that jeopardizes my first priority.

In our small group, we recently watched a video series called The Finger of God. This documentary is a 3 part collection of what God is doing around the world miraculously. Tim and I were deeply impacted by watching these and they have watered seeds in our hearts that were planted long ago about how we can be a part of what God is doing in the nations. I strongly recommend this series whether you are very familiar with signs and wonders or whether you have very little experience with that realm of the workings of God. If nothing else, hopefully it will challenge and encourage you.

There is so much more of God for us to discover and even though we're both really, really busy, let's receive the challenge of partnering with Him for the "more!"

I hope someday we can sit down over a cup of re-heated coffee as our children tear my house apart and you can share with me what your "more" is. Because "more" is coming.....

Favorite Quote Friday

Sorry my posts are so sparse. I have a million good reasons, but I won't bore you.

Sometimes living life is more important than blogging about it!

I would just like to say that I love my husband. I am so thankful for him and for all the sacrifices he makes for our family. They are many and he makes them willingly. So thankful.

Today's favorite quote is brought to you from Beth Moore via the amazing study I am doing on Mercy.

"The power of the resurrection means that 

nothing but the tomb is meant to be empty."

I pray you will let that sink in.

I have and it has challenged me.

Challenged me to take my emptiness to the cross, to actively believe that all my painful experiences can be redeemed. It has challenged me to see "my junk" differently, from a Kingdom perspective, to see that any space that has been left empty has actually served to make more room for His grace.

It has challenged me to choose to let God fill up all those empty places rather than just leaving them empty and rotting. I think its easier to let them remain empty, but God's plan for each of us is to fill those places of empty heartache with grace, comfort, mercy and JOY!

As we move into the Christmas season, for many of us, there is a mix of joy and sorrow that comes with this time of year. It's a mixed bag, this life.

But nothing is meant to be empty but the tomb. Nothing. So let's choose to let God fill it with blessings. Because He'll do it, I promise.

Favorite Quote Friday

It's time for Favorite Quote Friday!

And once again, it is being brought to you from Streams in the Desert.

I give you May 30:

Certain songs can only be learned in the valley.

So true.

When I read this a few months ago, it stuck with me. I have shared it and thought of it often since then. There are season in our lives that can be hard to understand and we may never truly understand that what's or the why's.

Sometimes, we don't need to know why, we just need to remind ourselves who is really in control. Who is leading us through that valley. And who will be faithful to bring us to the other side.

And usually, we need to come to the place where we can choose to sing the song He's teaching us, even especially in the valley.

Be blessed this weekend, ya'll.

Choose joy.

Did you see it coming?

So a few months ago, I posted about something God has been speaking to me this past year: that you can have it all. In case you missed it the second time, I repeat:

you can (indeed) have it all.

Over the past few months, I have shared this idea, this dream, this vision with many other women. Women in my mom's group, women at church, women I have known for years, women I just met. If you're anything like me, when God shares something exciting with you, you want to share. And I have.

It has gotten mixed reviews.

Saw that one coming, did ya?

Good for you. You don't get a prize. You get to keep reading. There's more.

There's always more.

Sometimes I get the blank stare. Sometimes I got a nod. And sometimes my excitement is shared with equal enthusiasm. My heart soars when I share this vision with a sister and we begin to dream together, trying to imagine what God could have in store for us! Trying to wrap our minds around how this could be possible. Because it seems impossible.

That last response is my favorite response.

Did you see that one coming?

I confess that the overall response has been discouraging and often I have returned to the Lord questioning if I really heard Him accurately. I know how it sounds. It sounds crazy. It sounds like something someone would say who doesn't want to just be home with her kids all day. Someone who doesn't really recognize the high calling of raising kids. Someone who needs more hobbies.

I can have it all? What? Yeah, right, girlfriend, you clearly don't know my life. You don't know me!

How many articles have we all read that clearly explain why we CAN'T have it all. I have read quite a few myself.

The thing is....all things are possible with God and my God is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine.

I have an active imagination.

I bet you do too.

I was born to believe the impossible. Frankly, I think we all were.

This week, I'd like to unpack this idea a little more. I know that God is drawing me into this idea deeper and I don't want to go alone. Everything is more fun with friends.

the deep end

I love this old picture of Jay and I. My how things have changed since then. For starters, that "lovey" he has in the his mouth is now a beautiful shade of grey. So gross. Not sure what I was thinking when I bought a cream colored lovey. Joke's on me!

At least he finally grew into his head. Jackson, not the lovey.

I wore that little yellow sweatsuit when I was small. I also grew into my head eventually. Life is good.

My hair was a lot longer then. I miss it.

This picture was taken when we lived with my parents for 18 months. Wowza. It was a tough season to be sure. We moved out a couple weeks before Dad's diagnosis. Now, those 18 months are a beautiful gift of time.

I spent the morning with a new friend who has quickly worked her way into my heart forever. I am not going to tell her that b/c I don't want to sound weird and scare her away, but what a gift this morning was.

We have a lot in common. She has 4 boys, I have 3. Not a girl among us. In the course of about 2 1/2 yrs, she lost both of her parents and now her only sister lives an ocean away.

Wrap your big head around that one. Wait, you grew into your head too. It's completely proportional. Promise.

While our boys ran circles around us this morning and ripped her home apart, bit by bit, we shared war stories, we cried, we compared notes, we laughed. We're both working through the same Beth Moore Bible study in our mom's groups (Mercy Triumphs) and are finding that it's speaking volumes to us as we process grief.
 
It's nice to find common ground with someone. Its nice to be able to dive headfirst into the deep end. Its nice to be ok with jumping out to fetch a sippy cup before plunging back in. I love the deep end, I live for the deep end. That's where God-sized dreams start as a merely a glimmer, where relationships are established by a short, meaningful conversation, where our weary hearts can be refueled by a cup of coffee and rest.

Ah, the deep end.

Its where God is calling us, whether we know how to swim or not.

I'm not a big swimmer, but at least my head will keep me buoyant while we float around in the deep end. Let's do it together!

Funny how

Funny how when I go for a run, the words just flow. I could write a sermon. Or ten posts. Or a book! Maybe not a book, but the ideas never stop. Sometimes I get so excited I wind up sprinting. Not very often, but sometimes. Then I eek out a chunk of time to blog and....nothing. Funny how.

God is at work. Will you get on board? Will seek out where He is working? Will you challenge yourself outside of your comfort zone to find where YOU fit into the bigger plan? There's always a place for us in God's greater plan. No matter what season of life we're. Funny how.

I am feel challenged this week to think outside the box and believe for greater things. I feel surrounded by stifling circumstances so it seems the time is now. When we are pressed by circumstances, what is that oozes out of us? Hopefully its faith. Hopefully its joy. Counting it all joy is on the docket for me today. How about for you?

Eat your spaghetti, not your children.

Pretty sure I am not a natural mother. I mean, obviously I am a mom and I think I do alright at that job, but I'm not one of those girls who always wanted to be a mom. Who know the type, the one who swims in the refreshing pool of motherhood bliss every day. The ones who make it look easy. Or the ones who just love it  so much that nothing else matters.

Nothing about mothering, except loving my boys, comes naturally to me. I have to work at it.

For example, I love to cook. Love it. But having to make dinner every night for picky eaters and a starving husband is not where I find my joy these days.

I have to work every day at not being so selfish, at putting my boys ahead of myself. I have to remind myself constantly that its better to read a book for the hundredth time than to surf Pinterest. That spaghetti (again) is better than spicy vegetable curry if that's what they'll eat.

Pass the garlic bread. At least its homemade and whole wheat.

Maybe I shouldn't need to remind myself of these things, but I do.

Nothing has worked to sanctify me like the raising of my littles. Its takes a lot of Jesus for me to be a good mom.

I am thankful for the sanctification process b/c I want my boys to be drawn to Jesus and the more I am like Him, hopefully the more that will happen.

I am also not one of those mom's who is drawn to other people's kids. Though I did make my first cool million babysitting and working as a nanny, since hitting college, I stopped being the person who seeks out the kiddos.

Don't worry, I'm not talking about your kids, yours I love.

Its hers I merely tolerate.

I do, of course, adore my own. Duh. Have you seen how cute they are?

In fact, some days I am so overcome by their cuteness that I actually worry that I might eat one of them. Straight up.

yum, yum, yum

I think the fact that I want four kids (someday) is a sign of God's miraculous power within me. Because I'm not Michelle Dugger, and my natural desire is not to live for my children. (Not that hers is, but she certainly has a gift of mothering.) 

I have my own dreams and desires that don't necessarily include my boys and I am excited about those things! But I am also willing to wait and trust God for His timing of those things. I can tell you, that in and of itself, is sanctifying as well. 

So here's to believing God that I really CAN have it all and to believing that He can make an AWESOME mother out of me yet!  

(No, I am not prego, in case you were confused.)

I heart zombies, I mean, twins.

So...confession time.

Truth is, one of our guilty pleasures is zombie apocalypse movies/shows.

It's true. For better or for worse, we are hooked on The Walking Dead. I know we probably shouldn't like it, but we do. 

And we have found a lot of comparisons between life running away from "walkers" and raising twins.

Ha! 

Yes, I'm serious. And delirious. B/c I am so tired. 

Tired from running away from walkers.

I mean twins. I mean chasing twins.

(Hey, this blog can't always be serious.)

Walkers don't speak, they make grunting noises. So do the twins.

Walkers walk with an uneven gait and fall down a lot. So do the twins.

Walkers don't get winded. Neither do the twins.
If you stop moving for a moment, walkers will inevitably overtake you. Just like the twins.
Walkers will work together to push free from whatever contains them. So do the twins.

Walkers try to bite you. So do the twins (sometimes)

This is obviously a little tongue in cheek, but certainly gives you an inside look into our life and what we find humorous. It's times like these that I know for sure I married the right man.

For better or for worse...

Time to boil the creek water and reload the shotgun.

Happy Thursday.

Manic Make-over Monday

MMM, Take 2

Once again, I don't have a before picture. Well, I do have one...somewhere. I looked for a few minutes, but if you can imagine this, my "our pictures" folder is quite a mess. At least I get around to taking pictures. Organizing them, ordering them and sending them to beloved family doesn't happen. But at least I take them. Maybe someday....

Yeah, maybe someday I will start scrapbooking too.

And break dancing.

A girl can dream.

Today's make-over update brought to you by Jackson.

 His very blue room. He made is very clear he only wanted blue. Definitely not green like the babies room.

That stuffed animal holder is a repurposed outdoor wall planter that I got at a garage sale. 

Don't worry, it usually doesn't look like this. I cleaned. 

Dinos, dinos, everywhere, dinosaurs.

And the mini-man himself :) 

Love this wall hanging that I got from a friend at a craft sale. They sell them to raise funds for adoption.

Well, that's it for today. This Manic Monday Makeover brought to you by a momentarily quiet house and a rewarmed cup of old-ish coffee. Time to spend a little quality time with Beth Moore. Peace.

Mercy Triumphs

Sometimes, when there is prophetic gifting in a person, there can also be a lack of a strong mercy gift. So in my family, we have this joke about how God knew that my brother and I really, really needed Tim and Ellen, my sister-in-law extraordinaire, to balance us out. They are very merciful, gracious, loving, and pastoral. We need them.

So a few months ago, we were joking about this over a family dinner and I made some absurd comment about how I don't need mercy b/c I have Tim.

Famous. Last. Words.

I sleep soundly. I know I should probably wake up every time one of my children rolls over in bed, but I don't. I am exhausted all the time and I sleep like it.

Not that night.

That night I was tossing and turning and could not figure out why. Hm. Duh. Finally, the light goes on and I begin to pray, asking God why He is hindering my sleep.

And so begins my well-deserved rebuke. Basically the Lord told me that I needed to pray for a mercy gift, to seek one out and to chase after it until I found it.

Well, the very next day I randomly ended up at a Christian bookstore. Now, this is not somewhere I frequent, AND, I was there without kids! So I am perusing through the store when low and behold I stumble across a new Beth Moore study. (I just love her.) Her study is on James and it's called Mercy Triumphs. Sold.

God is good.
And merciful.
Soon, I will be merciful too!
Tim can't wait.

List of 10

Two weeks since my last post...for shame. I blame the rain. Worked for Milli Vanilli.

Today I shall do a little list, b/c why not. Worked for my soul sister, Monica.

10 Things for Today:

1. I am not depressed, just transparent. But thanks for the calls. Love you girls. I have been depressed, really depressed and I am not going back there. Ever. Praise Jesus!

2. As it is getting colder here, my zest for running is waning. Or is it waxing? Can't be sure. Either way, I don't really want to go anymore. But I still do. I even put the word out that I am looking for a treadmill.

3. I need a lot of Jesus to be a good mom. A lot. I am not ashamed. I also borrowed that from Whitney Capps. Great speaker. Straight up.

4. I like to think that if I didn't have kids, I would be a vegan. Guess we'll never know.

5. Loving the fall weather. It means jeans, scarves, boots and a plummet in the price of canned pumpkin.

6. My moms group is doing a new Beth Moore bible study on James called Mercy Triumphs and it. Is. Awesome. This coming from someone who usually doesn't think bible studies are very good. So good. God basically told me I didn't have much mercy, so I needed to do this study. But that story is another post.

7. If I put a treadmill in our basement and take up all that room, I will be forced to use it on principle alone. This is both good and bad.

8. Since becoming a stay at home mom, I have never once missed working full time. Maybe that's b/c I never had a career I loved, but I am certain I could only love a career that provided me with the freedom to be home with my boys.

9. I am so in love with how my husband gives me the freedom to really be me. I adore him.

10. There are about 8 cans of pumpkin in my laundry room. I need to restock.

Promise to post soon.
Let me know if you have a treadmill I can borrow.
Or if you want some pumpkin bread.
Or maybe a vegan black bean burger.
Maybe.

screaming in the bathroom

It has been a tough week in more ways than one. Tim and I went to my dad for wisdom more than either of us realized and now that he's gone, we find ourselves flumuxed (sp?) over who now? Who can we ask now? Dad knew a lot about a lot.

I'm not really into sighing over cyberspace, but it seems to fit here. Sigh.

Kicking this cold is taking longer than usual. Busy schedule and busy boys don't help, but that's life in fast lane.

My almost empty Nutella jar has become my new best friend. I am too "blah" to actually call a real friend, no one wants a Debbie Downer, thus the new bond with my sweet and always satisfying friend, Nutella. She may be sweet at the get-go, but somewhere along the line, she turns into a nasty, wicked little thing that hangs on for dear life when you really want to fit into your skinny jeans.

(side note: for the record, I DO NOT actually own skinny jeans. guess that's how I know I am getting older. i don't care how popular they are. they don't look good on most people. not caving on this one, folks.)

My hips can't take it anymore though, it's time to call in re-inforcements. Or is it? I am not very good at asking for help. Chances are, neither are you. Cussing isn't helping any, I've already tried that. And I gave up smoking. So what else ya got?

I can't go running back to my dirty little mistress, plus she's almost gone and I am not buying anymore (for the kids, of course) until she goes on sale again at Costco. Stress eating is over-rated. Not that it's stopped me, but hey, I'm trying.

So now what? As a mom and a wife, I set the tone in my home and want it to be a pleasing tone. Pleasing to my husband, when he comes home from work, and most of all, pleasing to the Lord. So what do I do when I'm in a funk?

Well, the other day, this is what worked for me.

"God! Have mercy on me, Son of David!!!" (literally SCREAMED from behind a locked bathroom door.)

This little prayer has kind of become my go-to prayer in recent years. It works well for me when I no longer have the words to pray, the patience to pray in tongues, or the grace to speak in a normal tone. If you're gonna be screaming in the bathroom, you need a prayer that's up to the task.

And you know what, God provides. When I prayed this the other day, I was overcome with peace. I'm not gonna lie, it didn't last for as long as I was hoping, but it did come.

Because He is faithful.

And He remembers that we are but dust.

Life is hard sometimes. It feels really hard right now. I don't really know why you want to read about my life that feels hard, but since you did, I pray you find some hope, especially if your life feels hard right now too.

I don't always feel the hope, but I know its there.

God can handle it when we are screaming in the bathroom, make no mistake. I'm frail. He knows I'm frail. And man, in those moments, I really KNOW I'm frail. I'm not proud of those moments, but they're real and they happen. And at least my God is big enough to handle them.

Be blessed.

1 year today.

Life goes on.

I'm sick. I caught the twins cold and we are currently hemorrhaging money from the duplex like it's our job. Oh, and my dad died 1 year ago, today.

(End complaining rant.)

Today is September 20th. First anniversary. Not sure how I feel about today. Mostly, it feels like life goes on, whether you want it to or not.

Went for a bike ride with my family this morning. Then we all ate some crepes and drank some coffee. They went to the shooting range and Tim and I are putting the boys down for a nap. We'l meet up later for dinner at the Olive Garden, Dad's favorite.

I feel like I should process. Or something. I feel like I am waiting for something. Like there should be a ceremonious something or other to commemorate...his death, I guess. Or his life. I don't know. Something. Whatever it is, it wouldn't be enough. So I guess its better that there's nothing. I don't know.

Since last September 20th, its been 365 days, 3 major holidays, 8 family birthdays and 1 year. All that we have experienced without Dad.

Grief is unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and it's different for everyone. I still feel like I need to remind myself that Dad is really, truly dead, that he's not coming back, that the last year hasn't been a dream. It seems so crazy to me that my life is still going on without him in it.

I was the one who discovered he had died. I had gotten childcare that week for Tuesday and Friday so that I could spend some time with him. When I showed up at hospice that Tuesday morning, he had just passed away in his sleep. Peacefully.

Funeral was Friday. At least I already had childcare lined up for the boys. My sweet boys.

Grief sneaks up on you and comes when you least expect it.

I started to try to process the significance of this day last night as I was falling asleep. As I tried to step into a place of grief, I felt a large, grey cloud closing in on me, pressing down and constricting, so I stopped. I don't care what today is, I can't go there, not right now. Still feels too fresh.

I am a pretty strong person, with a fair amount of self awareness, I think I'm pretty resilient.  I also have a strong faith in God. But again and again grief brings me to my knees as if I were a small, helpless child.

And that's what I am. A small, helpless child falling before the throne of grace, so much in need of what He has to offer. I have never been more aware of God's grace in my life.

I am frail and He is strong.

Praise be to God.

Time for a glass of wine and a nap.

So thankful he got to walk me down the aisle.

 

Build a bridge...

Had a much needed visit with a friend today. It was a nice, long visit. The kind that feeds your soul. And that's what I needed after the trauma of getting the boys out the door this morning.

There was weeping and gnashing of teeth.

The boys were crying too.

In my mind, she is a pioneer. She is wicked smart, thoughtful and very, very wise. She is also a fellow mom of twins. Her twins are 6 years older than mine, and she has survived.

There is hope for me yet.

I was deeply affirmed by our time together. How sweet it is to truly feel understood. How much of life is just about getting over feeling misunderstood? Its easy to feel that way because it's hard for us to understand things that we haven't experienced.

I think a lot of the work I have done in the past few years has had a lot to do with getting over feeling misunderstood. I bet lots of people still don't understand why Tim and I didn't go to Africa. I had to get over that. Its hard to understand parenting multiples from the outside looking in. Have to get over that too. In essence, I have to get over myself. What is motivating my desire to be understood by my friends and family. As long as God understands me, and He does, its all good.

Right?

But it isn't! I want to be understood and so do you.

Well, my friend understood me today so maybe it's time to build a bridge and get over it. :)

After all, since You CAN have it all I don't want to waste my time brooding over being misunderstood. There's too much to do.

Dork Alert

Planning is my primary source of defense. Instead of a wing and a prayer, my life can be summed up with a plan and a prayer. I don't like to be late, ever, and I love, no, I need, to plan. I've always been a planner, but since my sweet twins came along, it became an issue of life and death.

For realz.

I admit, that I insulate myself by planning, but hey, it could be worse.

And sometimes, its possible that I plan too much. But only sometimes, mind you.

Case in point, I have started planning Tim's 40th birthday celebration.

When is his big day? you ask.

March.

That's right, March.

So good news is, I have over 6 months.

Better get a move on!

I have been hitting Pinterest hard all night and I have some exciting plans up my sleeve.....stay tuned.

In other news, we had a very busy weekend filled with lots of duplex chaos, short and/or no naps, zero vegetables consumed, and more chaos. But everyone is now asleep and tomorrow is Makeover Monday.

Hopefully we will go back to eating vegetables and napping tomorrow. A mama can dream :)

Plan and a prayer people, emphasis on the prayer!

I see you

This past Father's Day was a weekend that I will never forget.

It was hard for many reasons. Not only was it the first Father's Day without my father, but a very dear friend of mine died that Friday night. I was standing in my kitchen with Tim, the boys, and my brother-in-law when I got the text.

I still get goose-bumps just thinking about it and I still can't bring myself to post about her passing. Somehow it just hasn't felt right. Her death affected my deeply and blogging about it doesn't feel like enough somehow.

The day after she died, some friends brought over a bunch of food for us. It was a haul. Burritos for Tim's lunch, a huge salad with loads of extra fresh herbs from their garden, a delicious dinner, and warm - yes, warm - rhubarb bread. Amazing. There was probably more, it was so much food. She had clearly been hard at work all day.

With the food, my dear (prayer warrior) friend included a note that I could read later on. I remember that it was typed, which still makes me smile. Her handwriting isn't that bad. :)

I tear up just thinking about it. The gist of the note was this.

I see you. This is your first Father's Day 

without your dad and your (our) friend just died. 

I see you. I see the pain and I see you.

Praise God for friends willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

We didn't need the food. It was timely and so helpful, but we didn't need it.

I needed that note. 

And I needed to feel seen by someone who knows what it is to suffer, someone who was suffering with me.

As I was remembering that weekend a few days ago, the Lord reminded me of this truth: that is always His note for us. He always sees us. Always. And he knows what it is to suffer. And He sees us when we suffer.

So now, every time I play "peek-a-boo I see you" with my boys, I will remember that God sees me.

And I will try to be more aware of who I need to see, of who I need to be hands and feet to in their suffering. Let's do it together!

Too Good not to Share!

Some good friends of ours recently got married (again). He's 

English so technically they got married in December, but the big 

party was this summer.

The wedding was on a Saturday. That Monday, his mum

was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Sadly, due to that, 

his parents were not able to celebrate with us.

The wedding was beautiful and very fun, with a lovely bit of 

English flair!

Our friend is the only member of his family who walks with 

Jesus; so we had a lot to pray for concerning his mum.

Margaret died late last week. Thankfully, our friend was able to

get there just in time to say goodbye to her and tell her he loves her.

I am shaky on the specifics, but I do know that the Lord met 

with Margaret before she died. She shared with her sister that

she had peace, her pain was gone and she finally understood 

her son's faith.

PRAISE BE TO GOD!!! 

I stand in awe. He is never too late. Never. We grieve with

our friends, but once again, death has lost its sting.

Favorite Quote Friday

It's been over a week since I publicly "announced" I was going to be slammin' through parenting books during naptime. (I would still appreciate more recommendations :)

Well, as you can maybe imagine, I am still reading the same one, Shepherding a Child's Heart. When I do read, I read fast, but half of the time I still fall asleep. I like this book, there's some good stuff in it, but its also the first one I've read, so judge for yourself.

And it's really hard to not cook or clean. Is it really even possible? For me, I'm not so sure. I know there are people out there who say they don't cook or clean. So....me thinks I will keep trying. I just did a little sweeping and there's a roast in the crockpot, so that should tide us for over for a good week, right?

Right?

Probably not, but all things in moderation.

Except coffee, no room for moderation there. At least with twins.

So, for this week's quote, from the 1 parenting book I hope to soon have under my belt:

"Parenting is your primary calling. Parenting will mean that you can't
do all the things that you could otherwise do. It will affect your
golf handicap. It may mean your home does not look like a
picture from Better Homes and Gardens. It will impact your 

career and ascent on the corporate ladder. It will alter the kind
of friendships you will be available to pursue. It will influence
the kind of ministry you are able to pursue. It will modify the amount
of time you have for bowling, hunting, television, 

or how many books you read. (Sleep, it will hinder your sleep 
and your time with your spouse!) It will mean that you can't develop
every interest that comes along (or ever Pinterest project).
The costs are high."

(italics mine)

Obviously I don't care about golfing or the corporate ladder, but I have been feeling the burn of how parenting affects my relationships, ministry and hobbies. Because it really does! The cost is high. Very high. But the reward is higher still.

I do feel kinda boring these days. I don't have many hobbies anymore because who has time? or energy?! Once the cooking, cleaning and parenting book reading is done there isn't much time left over for ministry.

My favorite "hobby" these days is veggin' out with my Blond Sensation and watching Person of Interest. In case I am being unclear: not a hobby.

Part of that is my personality. For me, I hear from God best when my schedule isn't full. When I am racing from one thing to the next, its harder for me to hear His still, small voice. And I don't want to be so tired that I never want to read my Bible to or pray with my husband. I know myself and I know that's what will happen if I allow myself to get too busy.

I also don't place much value a keeping a jam-packed family schedule. I don't like to be really, really busy and I believe my children and my marriage benefit from that. The result, however, is that we may miss out on stuff.

I am learning to be ok with that. I am a slow learner, but thankfully, God is a patient teacher! And there's always someday. Maybe someday I will read that great new (old) book or finish that amazing pinterest project. Or maybe not, either way.

So here's to someday! And here's to enjoying today with my boys!

I need something to lick

A while back I took J into a liquor store with me (gasp!) while we were out 

running a few errands. I wasn't actually sure if that was even 

legal, but the woman in front of me did it too.

When in Rome.

So there we are scanning the wine section for the cheapest bottle of 

moscato I can find and he pipes up: "Mama, I need something to lick."

Me: "Excuse me, what? Gross."

J: "I need something to lick. Aren't we in a liquor store?"

Me: "Why yes, yes we are."

For now, I think we will stick to licking ice cream cones.

Hope this made you laugh today.

Still makes me laugh.

I need something to lick...

Manic Makeover Monday

Its manic because by nature, if I try to do anything "extra" around here, the littles go nuts. Its a makeover because my house needs some major TLC as far as decorating goes and well, it's Monday.

So Friday is for my favorite quotes and Monday is for showing off the very (very) small amount of decorating we have actually done since we moved in over 18 months ago. 

Settle in with a fresh cup of coffee and we'll start the tour with the twins room, the first room we painted. I never got to decorate a nursery since we were always on the move, so this was really fun!

Beck's crib

 I only have a couple pictures of my dad with both twins, but my favorite one is framed on the wall there.

T-Bone's crib

from doorway

That baby quilt on the wall was made for my mom when she was pregnant with me :)

 I don't have any before shots, but plan to start taking those before the painting begins with future projects. We also added their names by their cribs with some cute alphabet decals.

This is one of my favorite rooms, I love how bright and cheery it is. I doubt the twins care much, but it brings me so much joy knowing that their room is so cute. It's the little things in life!

Happy Manic Monday!

Favorite Quote Friday

Three things have kept me sane and functioning this past year:

1. the immeasurable GRACE of God
2. Tim
3. Streams in the Desert devotional

Probably in that order.

Reading the Word has been hard since Dad died. Straight up. It's getting better, but still hard.

A friend gave this devotional to me for my birthday and I feel like it has practically saved my life.

So, for the inauguration of Favorite Quote Friday, I give you a quite from May 21:

It is indeed extremely doubtful that a person's soul can really know

the love of God in its richness and in its comforting, satisfying completeness 

until the skies are dark and threatening. Light emerges from 

darkness, and morning is born from the womb of night.

This is a great devotional, I can't recommend it enough. If life feels hard for you, the gut-wrenching, I feel like I might die, kind of hard, then buy this book. Straight up.

Happy Friday everyone, I am off to the MN State Fair!

T-Bone is ready to trade in his stick for some deep fried pickles, nom, nom, nom!

Thanks

I just spent a few minutes indulging in reading a few blogs, a rare treat! So I want to say thanks. Thanks for reading. There are a lot of amazing blogs out there full of wonderful ideas and thoughts and recipes and stories. I am humbled that you read mine.  :)

Pour me out

Time to break the silence!

Sorry for the lapse in writing, it's been a busier-than-usual week I guess. One of my besties keeps a blog along the lines of "I Only Have 5 Minutes." Love the idea on getting on more often and just writing whatever I can in only 5 minutes. Perhaps I need to follow suit.

Bunny trail...

I've felt an urging to use my "free" time a little differently lately and it hasn't left a lot of time for blogging. My blond sensation and I never really felt the need to read any books on parenting when we only had 1 child. He was easy and there was only 1 of him. Then, along came twins and goodbye went time to read. Though we are still in the season of life where if we sit down to read anything, we fall dead asleep, its time. Time to read about better, more intentional methods than what seems to just "come naturally."

Thus my new hobby was born: cramming parenting books during naptime.

I will say that new hobby has ironically created some extra chaos around my house. Typically, during naptime, I clean, my house and myself,  I make dinner and I catch up on whatever I have fallen behind on: bills, laundry, etc. Now that I am reading during naptime, and drinking coffee to stay awake, I have seriously fallen behind. So, its possible that we may be eating a lot more frozen pizza and Goldfish for dinner unless I can come up with another plan. Hey, at least the Goldfish are whole grain. Life saver, those crackers. Life. Saver.

One of my favorite verses for parenting is Philians 2:17 "But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you." This is the verse God brought to mind as I was pondering my new normal last week.

I know that I clean too much, I like a clean house. I also know that I could probably take the easy way a little more often with mealtime and my children would still learn healthy eating habits. I like to cook. I like homemade bread, who doesn't?!

But I also like to be obedient. And I know that if I pour myself out, in big AND little ways, if I care for my boys to the best of my ability, God will care for me. Because, after all,

they're worth it.

Yes, I know this picture is almost a year old; I told you I was behind.

Ok, time to get back to reading!

What parenting books have you appreciated?

proud

Don't fear, you have no worry of this becoming a running blog.  But....one more post for this week.

I am so proud of myself!  I went running with the twins this morning.  For some reason, I was nervous about my ability to practice my new hobby while pushing a double stroller, but it went really well.  Tim took my sweet Puter-pie to the Dr for a double ear infection and ruptured ear drum (poor Pook!), so if I was going to run, it was going to be with Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I had to break-in my cute new (clearance rack) running skirt, so off we went.

I ran 4 times this week, which was my goal.  Feeling pretty good.  

Later gators, be blessed.

Run, girl, RUN!

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but it has.  I need some outside motivation to get in shape.  I am clearly incapable of motivating myself and these stretchy pants are getting old.

So I signed up for my first 5k.  It's been a while since I've run, so I have mixed emotions, but it had to be done.  I picked the race solely for it's name:  The Diva Dash.  There's even a picture of high heels on the shirt, love it.

Tim is loving being my coach and is so supportive of helping me get some time alone for a run, a difficult things will 3 toddlers.  So thankful for that and for him.  Also one more reason we LOVE our neighborhood, since there are miles and miles of fabulous trails 1 block from our house.

So far I have enjoyed getting out there to run this week.  We'll see how my "training" goes.

Happy Friday everyone, hope you have a great week!

The Same God

Had a playdate this morning with a very dear friend and a total of 7 kiddos between us - yikes!  Somehow we were still able to have a great conversation.  She lost her dad exactly 1 year before I lost mine.  To the day.  Crazy timing.  She's one of my soul sisters.

We chatted about what each of our families were going to do for the anniversary that's coming up.  Can't believe it's already been a year.  Can't tell if it's gone by quickly or slowly.  Can't decide how to celebrate/commemorate this first year.  Can't handle thinking about it quite yet.  

As I drove home I was listening to the song The Same God by New Song.  Great song.

It reminded me of a Saturday afternoon late last August.  The weather was flawless, but the tears were flowing.  It was the first time I had allowed myself to consider that Dad may not make it.  I was laying in bed for a moment resting.  We had just returned from visiting him at hospice.  I was asking God "what am I going to do?  how will I survive without him?  without his voice of wisdom in my life?  how, God, how?!"  

You know what?

God answered me in that moment.

As clear as I can hear my babies screaming when they have have been robbed of a toy by a brother, I heard God speak into my spirit "it's time for you to stand on your own two feet, daughter.  and you will be ok."

Then the tears really flowed.

The same God who lead me to this place, will lead me out of this place.

Thankful for a God of redemption; a God who hears me.

And a God who speaks to me.

Thankful

One week ago, I wrote about how hard Mondays tend to be; how Monday is the day I can think of nothing else except the gaping hole in my family where my dad used to be....

Today is better than last week.

Thankful.

I know I talk about my dad a lot.  I talk about my grief a lot.  I hope you don't mind.  Grief is a process.  Grief takes time.  For me, grief takes blogging...apparently :)

My hope is that as you stay with me you will be witnesses to God's redemptive power in my life as he brings me through this journey called grief.

Here is an old picture of me and my dad.  An oldie but a goodie.

Happy Monday, everyone.
Be blessed, I know I am.

Genetic testing?

The Pook and I got to hang out at Como Town this morning for a few hours and had our fill of the flying swings and spinning tea cups.  I left with a slight headache and seriously bruised (and bloody) ankle, but it was worth the special time together "WITHOUT the babies!"  

The third time we went on the swings, I witnessed a very meaningful interaction between a man and his disabled teenage son.  This man, who looked to be about 50, had a shaved head and solid, marine-like build.  He was tattoed and tough-looking, confident and intentional.  His son was none of these things.  

The thing was, this physically intimidating man couldn't stop loving on his son; it was hard not to take notice.  I wanted to stop what I was doing and watch.  This interaction really struck me.  I have no hard facts to present to you, but I do know that with the dawning of genetic testing many babies that indicate genetic weaknesses are aborted.  I ask you, when is the last time you saw a small child/baby with Downs?  Its been a while for me.  

In a society that, as a whole, doesn't seem to really value children the way it used it, it impacted me to see a man so overwhelmed with love for his disabled child that he couldn't care less if the whole world saw.  Love it!  

I can't count how many times we get asked if we are really considering having another child?  Really, another?  Because 3 is so many.....  Last I checked, Bible says children are our inheritance!  Our inheritance, people!  That's a good great thing.  Not gonna lie, life is cra-zy with twins.  Crazy.  But crazy awesome because my quiver is full.  :)  I am too busy most days to even find my quiver, but when I have a millisecond to think about it, I am forever grateful that it is full.

As a nation, we voted in a president that literally vowed to legalize partial birth abortion.  Not ok.  (My intent is not to be political, rather to provoke thoughtfulness and dialogue.)  When did we stop placing due value in our children?  When did they become such a burden, a trial for us to endure until we can ship them off to school?  

More often than not, that's what I hear from people I encounter at the store:  just get "through" the next few years, then you'll be ok.....Once they go to school, life with be good again.

Except for the grandmas, they always respond to my very full cart with joy and they encouragement me to enjoy every moment.  "good for you!"  "have more babies!"  

Love it.

I am not a kid person.  I adore my children, but there is no part of me that yearns to be around anyone else's kids.  Just giving it to you straight.  But I do deeply value the gift and privilege of having and raising children, of teaching them to walk in righteousness.  No. Higher. Calling.  

Just a few of my thoughts.....

Thankful for the gift of witnessing that man and his son.

There's Something About Mondays

Can't put my finger on it yet, but there is something about Mondays that brings to the surface my grief over losing Dad.  Last week I was so overcome with sadness that I cried myself to sleep.  At 8:15pm.  Put the babes to bed and followed suit.

I have heard that the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away and that grief can rear its head at the most surprising, and often inopportune, moments.  Something triggers a memory and you end up in a puddle on the floor.  I think I'm ok with that.  My dad was one of my favorite people and I want my life to be marked by his life's impression on my heart, even if that means tears and snot while I'm in line at Target.  Life goes on, and so must we.  But its ok to let it hurt while it hurts.

Today  my trigger was Isaiah 58:6-11.  Dad loved that scripture.  Well, he loved all scripture, but I know he spent a lot of time meditating on that one.  As I read through this text during naptime, it opened up the floodgates, but also blanketed me in encouragement.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land 

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden, 

like a spring whose waters never fail.

My frame doesn't feel particularly strong today and if I were a garden I would likely be described as a dehydrated one that needs to work out.  But God says He will strengthen me and I shall be like a spring whose waters never fail.  To this I say, yes and amen, I receive it.

Happy Monday, may you be a well-watered garden on this sticky afternoon.

You CAN have it all!

There are those moments in life when everything is perfect.  You are in your rhythm and you are rocking it.  You feel like supermom!  The entire house is (relatively) clean, the children are napping, dishes are done, laundry folded, dinner's in the crockpot and you got to brush your teeth as well as work out!!!  gasp.


It's in these moments when I feel like all my amazing skills are truly being utilized as a mama.  If the hubs could see me now, I smugly think to myself.


Ah, yes, those rare, fleeting, enigmatic moments of utter bliss....


Ignorance is bliss, they say.


I don't know who "they" are, but they're smart.


In my house, these perfect moments are typically short lived.  As soon as I survey my estate with satisfaction and sit down with my Bible and steaming cup of re-heated morning coffee, we change scenes.  Urine soaked toddler enters, stage left.  Crying poopy baby heard from stage right.  Oh wait, two crying poopy babies from stage right because the first one woke the second one with his wails.


The vivid color photograph of my mad-hot skills quickly fades to an old sepia tone picture with broken edges.


Sigh.


I am learning that that's just life.  Life is messy, especially with children.  Life is noisy, especially with boys.  And life is tainted with pride, especially with me.


I can't do it all.  Not all the time.  Not on my own.


I came back from She Speaks so excited about all I had learned and all I had heard from God and ready to start writing with a new-found sense of direction!


Well, as real as SS was, my real life was real-er...I hit the ground running and my sweet littles have kept me sprinting and that's ok because about a year ago God gave me a new motto:  You CAN have it all.  Pretty simpe, right?  If you are lol right now and moving your cursor to close this window, hold on!


Just wait!


There's more!


Somehow, some way, by the divine, miraculous grace of God, you can have it all.  You can be a great wife, mother, friend, sister, minister and child of God.  You can have it all (emphasis on the miraculous grace of God).  This past year, God persisted in repeating this over and over to me.  It took some time before it  began to soak in; I'm not always the most receptive to new ideas.  Although I have yet to see this realized in my life, I have received this goal, this dream, this motto, because I know HIM to be faithful and steadfast.


Personally, I think that God likes a paradox and in keeping with that, this word always came to me at my weakest moments.  It was usually right after a new bubble of pride had just been dramatically burst and the green slime got all over my already dirty yoga pants.  As I lay in that greasy puddle of my own pride, the reality of my not-so-mad-hot skills sinking in, my precious Redeemer reminded me that will His help, all things are possible.  I can have it all.  As long as I remember the most important part:  by his grace.


My hope is that you are saying 'Me too, I want to have it all too!'  My prayer is that together we can embark on this journey of believing God for more, of dreaming big together.  My desire is to share with you what this looks like in my life as I begin to unpack it, little by little.  My vote is that we begin believing for the impossible in our marriages, our children, our churches and ourselves.  I don't know what it looks like.  I know that I sure need a lot more JESUS to do my jobs well.  A lot.  And more time...we'll see about that last one...


I am willing to believe for more and I hope you are too.  So let's learn together and share our stories!


Be blessed this weekend and dream BIG!

free stuff!

I don't know about you, but I LOVE free stuff.  Free stuff makes almost anything better.  So I've decided that once I get to 50 followers, I am going to start doing monthly give-aways.  'Cuz who doesn't like a give-away?  

I'm going to give away a lil' somethin' on the 20th of each month.  Dad went home to glory on September 20th and when that day rolls around each month, its always hard.  So this way, I have something fun to look forward to and so do you!

So sign up to be a follower and maybe you will be the first winner.  Tell your friends and let's get this party started!

Free stuff, here we come!

Lipstick, sweet tea, and hazing

I barely made it home from the South!  Well, maybe that's a little dramatic.  I almost got bumped from my flight because the Delta computers mysteriously canceled my seat reservation between the time I checked in the night before and when I tried to board the plane.  Lucky for me, someone on board was willing to accept a free flight voucher for waiting until the next flight to Mpls.  I needed to get home to my men!

I think I love the South.  It's all sweet tea, lipstick, high heels, lovely women and new friends.  Oh, and spectacular conferences.  That was certainly my experience this weekend.

Normally I would say that there are no words to describe how amazing She Speaks was.  But...since it was a conference on speaking and writing, it's a bit ridiculous to leave it at that.  It was a two-for.  A two for one.  Two conferences for the price of one.  Not only was it a well-oiled machine working to teach us the crafts of speaking and writing, but it was a 'knock it out of the park' women's conference.  I admit that I have never been to a women's conference before (that I can remember), but when indeed I do attend one, it shall have rather large high heels to fill.

The only bittersweet strand woven through this experience is that I don't get to share all that I learned and heard with my dad.  He was the 2nd person I told about this conference 2+ years ago and he was excited for me from the get-go.  He prayed for me, listening with me and stood with me as I saw the light transition from a question  mark to a green.  Miss you, dad, but I know you are proud!  

My sweet Timo gets a boisterous shout-out for all he did to make this weekend a possibility.  I won't get into the (literally) gory details about what transpired while I was gone, but I leave you with this.  My children hazed my husband in my absence.

Let that settle in.

They hazed him.

Like in a fraternity.

Seriously.  His bald(ing) spot is bigger and we both went to bed at 8:15 last night.  8:15 people.  Yawn.

Everyone survived and things are back to a new normal.  It's good to be home!