Captain America Birthday!

This was a big weekend for us, my #1 baby boy turned 4 years old!

 How is it possible that I already have a 4 yr old?! I do not feel old enough for that. Sometimes I still look around for the real parents to come back and claim their children...

What a good looking trio

They never come, weird. Looks like we're it :)

We spent the weekend celebrating Jackson's life with a couple very low key parties. I use the term party very, very loosely. Nana joined us on his actual birthday and some friends the next night.

Breakfast birthday donuts. Which actually ended up being
lunch dessert  b/c we didn't get to the store until after breakfast.
Oh well, pretty sure he still loved them. Seeing as how we're
"those" parents who rarely give sugar, I figure you can't
have too many treats on your birhtday.

Dinner with Nana

Beck and Nana-bird

For dinner, my little man requested macaroni and cheese (from a box) with hot dogs mixed in. I was thrilled. I am all about simple when it comes to kid birthdays. Especially if all 3 will actually eat it. I did, however make spaghetti for the adults in the "crowd." Pretty sure Nana was quite happy about that!

And for dessert....Captain America Cake! It may not be the prettiest cake you've ever seen, but it was made with love. Like I said before, I am all about simple and semi-homemade, even if it isn't very attractive. I have no shame. Making a tasty dessert is easy. Making a tasty and beautiful dessert is harder, especially for me. So there you go.

When asked who he wanted to join him on his birthday, Jackson was very specific: Nana, N and L. Lucky for me, N and L are 2 of the children of one of my best friends. I was happy to accommodate. We watched both games, Vikes on TV, Broncos on the laptop and had Papa Murphy's and cake and ice cream. Simple and delicious!

J, I, and N havin' some cake and ice cream

Kids had fun, parents had fun. Jackson was celebrated!







We had another thrilling moment this weekend, more thrilling than the birthday festivities, if you can believe that! The day before his 4th birthday, my sweet and thoughtful firstborn prayed to have Jesus come and live in his heart.

Be still my beating heart.

It was a precious moment that I had the privilege of sharing in as the one who launched me into motherhood with the miracle of his life taught me a sweet lesson of the miracle of true LIFE! Oh for joy.

Motherhood rocks.

It still takes A LOT of Jesus for me to be a good mom, a challenge for me each and every day, but Friday afternoon was one of those times that every struggle is made worthwhile.

Happy birthday, Pook. You thrill me, challenge me, and make me a better person each and every day. My heart sings to know that you knew your Papa before he died. I know that you will be a man like him, a man who follows hard after God and whose life shall be marked by obedience. So blessed that you are my son. Love you, little friend :)

Christmas #2

This is my second Christmas without Dad. My second Christmas with the twins.

It's proving to be much harder than last year. More fun, but also more sad.

I don't really know why.

Maybe last year I was still in shock that he was actually gone?

Maybe I was too enthralled watching the twins celebrate their first Christmas?

Maybe I wasn't willing to unlocked the emotions that had my heart tied up in a straight jacket?

Or maybe my sister-in-law made the mimosas too strong?

All are possibilities.

At least she's the mixologist again this year. (Is that a word?)

This year it really hurts. Everywhere I look, I have a memory of him and my heart aches. Starbucks drive-through, Walmart grocery section, Brooklyn Center government building. I am glad I spent so much time with my dad because so many places trigger memories.

Someday that will be great. Right now its hard.

So many of our Christmas ornaments remind me of him. Tim's chocolate covered cherries that Dad hatred so much. I'm with him on that one, ew. The U of MN sweatshirt I bought for him (in my closet now) my freshman year that he couldn't fit over his large head. We laughed until we cried that Christmas. Its still funny in fact. Such a large head, that one.

He's everywhere. It's nice. It's not nice

My biggest goal this Christmas is to not be crabby with my sweet little family just because I'm in pain. Its not fair to them.

This whole "finding a new normal" is much harder than I imagined. I know it will get easier but my family is not to same and it never will be. This seems so much more obvious at Christmas.

Christmas is a time to celebrate the greatest gift we've ever received and what unending joy there is it that! I pray that I am strengthened to look beyond my grief to see the joy, the gift, the Savior. That a shift in my perspective will change everything. It usually does.

I like this verse from the message, especially the part about God taking me seriously and giving me room to breathe. That's something to celebrate.

“You’ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away 

from it all, a lifetime pass to your safe-house, an open 

invitation as your guest. You’ve always taken me seriously, 

God, made me welcome among those who know and love you.” 

(Psalm 61:3-4 MSG)

Merry Christmas!

Advent in light of Conneticut

I have been attempting to write about Friday 

all weekend to very little avail.

Here's what I got.

Its advent.

And its all about it cross.

Always has been.

It seems even more vital now that we draw near to the cross
and reflect on what He did there for us.

What He did for those who are grieving now.

This is the easy part.
The part before harsh reality sets in.
Before their "new normal" must begin.
Because it will never be normal for them again.

Those mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers whose 

lives have just been ravaged by evil.

At Christmastime.

I have yet to shed a tear for all those sweet babies in that school.
I think I'm numb.
I think that if I start to cry, I won't ever stop.
I can't start because it will hurt too bad.

But I can pray.
And I can go to the cross for them.
In this season of advent, I can intercede for them.

Who am I kidding? My heart is so soft these days, I can't pray for a meal without crying. I can't watch a commercial about veterans without weeping. I certainly can't see a commercial for Children's Hospital without needing to leave the room. Sigh. I rejoice in that. My "mushy" heart. It means something.

It means something because of Christ.

Happy advent. Please pray for those families.

How Many Times...

I recently discovered this song by Plumb and I really like it. She's one of the few artists that Tim and I both love. In fact, I think he introduced me to her when we first start dating.

If I wrote songs, I think I would write songs like this one. Though there are a lot of songs that have ministered to me in the past few years this one really gets me. These days I think it could be my daily anthem!

I hope you enjoy it. How many times has He given you strength?

Favorite Quote Friday

While the idea expressed in this post was certainly not original to my dad, it was my conversation about it with him that will be forever etched in my memory.

So, for Favorite Quote Friday, I give you a question posed to me by my dad, shortly before he went home to Jesus:

What can God do with a man or woman who is 

completely and utterly surrendered to him?

This has challenged me every day since Dad and I shared that afternoon together, talking, praying, dreaming and reminiscing. We were making memories. Some of our last.

In an effort to tailor that question to my life right now, I pose this revised question to you:

What can God do with a woman who is completely
and utterly surrender to to Him,
who has maybe 30 consecutive minutes of "spare" time
each week to do anything He asks.

Maybe that sounds silly to you. That my reality right now, I don't have much time. That said, I have more time than I think. There are days when I can get so much done it's amazing! (There are other days when all I can accomplish is keeping my children alive until daddy gets home.) It's a day by day thing.

I don't like to take much time away from my family, not when these precious early years with my boys are at stake. Yet, I feel compelled to keep this question ever before my weary eyes: What can God do with the time I do have? I'm pretty sure the answer to that question is this: A LOT.

The trick is am I open to it? Am I willing to think outside the box and let Him have His way with my life? I sure hope so.

This was my dad's dream and now its mine. I pray that one day it will be my children's dream and I pray they will see it lived out through my life, through Tim's life.

My parents with their grand-babies. Their legacy.

Did you see it coming? Part 2

About a month ago, I painted a small picture of what some of my experiences have been as I attempt to prepare the larger canvas of my life for the new motto God has given me: You CAN Have It All!

I truly believe that this is going to be a breath-taking masterpiece.

And I don't even paint!

I don't think Pinterest inspired spray painting counts...

* *********** *

Let me unpack it a little more.

I want more out of life. A lot more. I'm happy, I love my husband and my children, my church and my friends. But I want more. I want to always want more.

I want to always want more of God for there will always be more of God for me to want.

I'm not trying to speak in riddles, but rather turn on its head the idea that wanting more is bad, or selfish or even sinful. When I say that I want more, that in no way diminishes the abundance I already have. It is my TREASURE to be home with my boys each and every day. There are hard days, lots of them, but I CHERISH the gift of being a stay at home mom. This gift comes from a place of conviction and obedience and the sacrifices that make it possible are worth it. My family is my ultimate priority and always will be.

Before you start nodding your head too hard, that's not the end of my story. I believe there's more, I believe that I serve a God who put big dreams in my heart and by His grace, my family and my ministry, even now, as I swim in diapers and spilled milk, can happily co-exist. Will that be a miracle? Yes it will.

That's the good news! That I can't do it alone! Something tells me you are just as aware of that truth as I am....That we can't do it alone.

The dazzling thing about the balance of family and ministry is that God won't call me to something that jeopardizes my first priority.

In our small group, we recently watched a video series called The Finger of God. This documentary is a 3 part collection of what God is doing around the world miraculously. Tim and I were deeply impacted by watching these and they have watered seeds in our hearts that were planted long ago about how we can be a part of what God is doing in the nations. I strongly recommend this series whether you are very familiar with signs and wonders or whether you have very little experience with that realm of the workings of God. If nothing else, hopefully it will challenge and encourage you.

There is so much more of God for us to discover and even though we're both really, really busy, let's receive the challenge of partnering with Him for the "more!"

I hope someday we can sit down over a cup of re-heated coffee as our children tear my house apart and you can share with me what your "more" is. Because "more" is coming.....