Final Post

Hey ya’ll. Its been awhile, hey? Well, I’m back, at least for today. Sadly, this is going to be a final post of sorts, at least for a while. I will likely post a pic or two of the little darling I’m wearing on the inside these days and maybe a family update or two from time to time, especially if the Lord does indeed lead us to adopt. Most likely I will also share a few of the crazy happenings of having 4 babies in 5 years…..if I survive that is!

I’m 4 ½ months (18 weeks) and still waiting for the “second trimester energy” to kick in. Ugh.

The reason for this “sabbatical” is that God has gently told me that it’s time to shelve the blog for a time. I’ve know for a while that it was time to shelve most of my writing aspirations, but I was still hanging onto to blog, hoping that it wasn’t included in the list of things God wanted me to release.

This may be a longer post (making up for lost time much?), so forgive me, but it seemed silly to do Final Post Part I and Final Post Part II, you know?  So grab a cup of coffee. And…maybe a scone. My personal favorite is whole wheat chocolate cherry.

Ok, now that you have your snack (eat slowly), let’s get started. First I want to share a little (maybe a little too much… ) history.

Imagine with me a time that God released you to do something you really, really wanted to do. Maybe you were so overcome with excitement you could hardly stand it. Maybe you had prayed about it for years, waiting for God’s perfect timing. Maybe you had to save up or raise the funds to make it possible. Maybe it took years of prayer before the tiny spark grew into a real flame. Maybe you even broke up with your husband after a couple months of dating b/c you weren’t sure you shared the same dream. Wait, that would never happen.

The fact that it was coming to be seemed too good to be true. 

A dream was coming true. 

Things were falling into place.

This dream was ceasing to be a dream and starting to be your new normal. Maybe you were counting down the days, planning out all the details, trying to anticipate everything that could be anticipated. Maybe you soaked up each and every delicious moment of your dream, doing your very best to be completely present, to trust God, to remember each precious memory of God’s faithfulness.  

Maybe the time came to buy plane tickets. You’d already rented out your house, given away furniture and car, quit job, packed all your earthly belongings into bright yellow action packers, and taken community ed French.…..

And maybe God told you stop the car. Not just stop the car, but turn it off, get out, shut the door with the keys inside and walk away.

Don’t look back.

Move on.

Start a new chapter.

What you thought was going to be your new normal was actually just going to end up in the ‘unrealized dream’ category.

Maybe it was hard.

Maybe.

Going from painful obedience to joyful sacrifice is usually hard, at least in my limited experience. I’m still in the middle somewhere in between obedience and sacrifice and it’s been over 4 years. It’s possible that I process change slowly.

It’s been in this extended process of grieving the loss of this dream that God began to birth a new and VERY unexpected (and wicked scary!) dream of a new variety. A dream of ministering through the arts of speaking and writing.

What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?!?

For a few years, I was really scared to admit this to anyone, to say it out loud, or even “confess” that this is what I was praying about. I’ve never considered myself a very good writer or public speaker, but regardless of that I’m not afraid anymore. God made a donkey speak afterall :) This was never my dream to start with. I didn’t pick it, ask for it or even want it. And if it ever becomes a reality happens, it will be truly miraculous! But hey, I believe in miracles, and I’m willing to spend my life doing whatever He deems best. Go big or go home, right? Eek!

I wanted to be a missionary for a long time, over half my life.  Seeing that dream disintegrate before my very eyes broke my heart, but it’s taught me that God always has a plan. It’s not a back-up plan either. His new plan is always a better plan than the first. Always. That’s how He rolls, ya’ll. Believe it. This new dream soften the blow a bit as well; it took some of the sting out knowing He had something else up His sleeve. It's one this to know that in your heart, another to feel a little more hope of it in your heart.

Beautiful thing is, I don’t need to remind God what He has spoken to me b/c He’s the one who said it.

Let that sink in a minute.

Maybe even reread it. I know I need to.

He remembers the promises He’s given to me b/c He gave them. Though I stumble through my faithfulness, He wavers not. Maybe He’s told you you’ll have a biological child, maybe He’s called you to the nations, maybe He’s told you He would heal your body or bring salvation to your loved one or pull you out of the pit of addiction. Maybe He told you He’d bring reconciliation to your marriage. He remembers, dear one, He remembers what He’s said to you b/c HE SAID IT!

Can I get a hallelujah!?!

Ok, if you’re still reading I promise I’m getting to my point…..

I feel like dust right now; insignificant and easily blown about. It’s been a tough summer. Yet I am reminded that God makes beautiful things from dust. According to His Word, He remembers that we are but dust, He knows what we have been formed from (Psalm 103:14). So maybe it’s ok that I feel like dust. I may be dingy now, but beauty’s coming.

All of this brings me to my main point. I know, finally, right!? This little sack of dust shouldn’t be writing no blog. Not right now. The kind of blog that I want to write, I’m not capable of doing right now and I don’t want to pander just to get readers. I don’t mind the occasional recipe or DIY, but that’s not my heart. In order to bring the type of discourse to the inter-webs that I desire, I need to walk deeper into this valley and come out on the other side with more victory. Do I have a few great stories, anecdotes, experiences already? Sure I do. But I want more. I want to write in a way that births a new understanding of my Jesus in my readers and to do that I need more Jesus myself. A. Lot. More.

Ultimately, God’s made it clear to me that this isn’t my time to blog, write, etc. I do hope to back someday.

Either way, I do want to leave you with a couple of the blogs that I love. I read very, very few blogs faithfully, but these 2 blogs I always read and I am always blessed. There are many excellent bloggers out there and I love that there are so many unique voices at my fingertips, I just don’t get much time to read them regularly.

Someday I hope to blog like these lovely ladies.  :)

I can’t remember how I found this blog but I love it. I love her heart, I love her writing style, I love her passion and I love her depth. If anything will keep me coming back for more, its depth. She write a lot about adoption, but honestly, her stuff is great and I think anyone can relate to the truths she unfolds. I cry almost every time I read it, but maybe that’s just cuz I’m prego…

My girl Monica over at Elevate Ideas is an all star. All. Star. I laugh, I cry and I am deeply challenged and encouraged by what she writes. I met her last summer at a womens’ writing/speaking conference (She Speaks). She was my prayer pal and the rest is history. She was recently launched into the world of speaking engagements, which is very exciting. No one likes a bragger, but I called that one a year ago (ahem). Grin. Just sayin'.

Thanks for reading.

Like Jack Bauer, I’m going dark.

Peace out, ya’ll.

Keep on keepin' on

My parenting style as of late has been survival. Straight up.

Up until recently, 2 out of 3 littles had borderline mullets and no one is getting their teeth brushed more than once a day. Including me.

So.

Gross.

Main goal has been to keep everyone alive and fairly safe until Daddy gets home. Fortunately, I have rocked that goal. I mean, no one looks cute anymore, we aren't eating very many vegetables and we are consuming lots of frozen pizza, but hey, everyone is alive. And frankly the kids are probably thrilled with the new menu.

Well, maybe you guessed it already, but Mama's pregnant.

Baby #4 is in the oven!

It's like having a newborn again. I sleep when they sleep, and I certainly don't waste any energy showering when I could be resting (or vomiting). I am just too exhausted.

Tired, but thrilled.

God's timing is certainly interesting.

Same week when we committed to growing our family through adoption from here on out....surprise!!!

Oh well, He's the boss :)

A Giveaway!

Alright, folks, this is it. I have dangled it in front of you long enough, but its time for a real giveaway. So this Friday, I will be giving away this awesome book.

This book is written by a missionary who lives and ministers in the largest Muslim nation in the world. I met him last fall and though I only had a chance to speak with him for a few minutes, that was all the time I needed to catch the vision. His ministry is big time. After hearing about all that God is doing in this closed country in SE Asia, I was ready to stow away in his suitcase!

That might not seem like much of a statement for someone who loves missions, but its been awhile since I have been this excited about a specific ministry. Quite a while.

"Jim Baton" (pen name) is truly living the dream. My dream anyway. For a few years now, members of his community have been meeting Jesus in their dreams and then coming to Jim and his wife and their team to ask questions and learn more about this Jesus. This is epic, people, this is the stuff that missionary dreams are made of! Shazam!!!

Truthfully, I only bought the book to support the ministry. Actually, I bought three even though I didn't even plan on reading it. But then I started to hear the reviews and my interest was piqued.

If you know me very well, you know I don't read anymore. Maybe an occasional magazine or the newspaper, but that's about it. I used to read a lot. But these days, that just never seems to make it into the top pick for my limited recreation time.

Even when I used to read, I was never a huge fan of fiction. I had a brief stint of leisurely reading which consisted of the Twilight books and the Hunger Games series, but that's about it. Don't judge me. Nothing else kept my interest and these days, if I read, I fall asleep.

That said, this book is fiction and I read it in 2 days. I even stayed up LATE to read it. Now that is saying something. The stories are taken from Jim's personal experiences and stories he's collected during their 15 years in-country.

I think you'll like it. Even if you don't, you will.   :)

Since everyone wants to be a winner, there are 3 ways to win:

1. Follow my blog (click "join this site" under the followers heading)
2. Like The Spicy Mustard Seed Facebook page
3. Share your favorite blogpost on FB

Then leave a comment telling me you did so.

You can enter your name up to 3 times. That's 3 chances to win this awesome book! Just be sure to leave a comment telling me which one(s) you did, so that I can enter your name the appropriate number of times.

Giveaway ends Friday June 28th at midnight CST.

Godspeed.

Favorite Quote Friday, A Father's Heart

On Father's Day, I had a few sweet moments to myself to remember my dad and to be thankful for the father I had for over 32 years. I did "torture" myself just a tiny bit by listening to our song, the one we danced to at my wedding, looking at some old family pictures, and flipping through one of Dad's old Bibles.

Maybe it was all a little too much, but sometimes I want to feel the hurt. I find myself wanting to be reminded of the ache of loss, particularly on a few special days throughout the year. It hurts so good, I guess... I would rather hurt than forget.

As I thumbed through his worn and much-loved Bible, I stumbled upon the very same page I had gazed at just moments after Dad passed.

Scrawled at the top of the page in his small, meticulous writing was this:

The mission of a father is to equip his sons and daughters to inherit the earth.

The heart of a father. 

My dad wasn't perfect. But this mission was etched into his life by his Father in the years leading up to his death and I believe the truth of that can be evidenced by my life and those close to him.  

So thankful that I had 32+ years. They weren't enough, but they were a gift.

The beauty is that you don't need to be a father to have a father's heart! You don't even need to have children. The world needs fathers and God wants to equip us to equip others. 

Be blessed and have a great weekend.    

Teach a Man to Fish

I have a lot of favorite things.

Missions is one of my very, very favorite things in all the world. I love missionaries. I appreciate the sacrifices they willingly make to live overseas. I am thankful for the comforts of their culture they forego in order to share the Gospel. I love to pray for them and I love to spend time with them.

When Tim and I were preparing to move overseas ourselves, we had the privilege of attending an amazing fundraising training put on by The Navigators. This week long training session left us feeling very prepared for the intense and rigorous process of raising funds to work overseas. Raising personal support for any type of ministry can be incredibly taxing. We've been there, we get it. So another of my favorite things is helping to equip missionaries, and those in local ministry, with this same type of skill set for raising money. Especially since one of the common reasons missionaries come off the field is a lack of funding.

We were thrilled to have some friends over last week to do this very thing. Our basement even flooded that afternoon and we didn't cancel, that's how excited we were! The show must go on! Plus, I think we're nerds when it comes to this stuff :)

Our friends, Tom and Cathy, have given themselves over to the ministry of the Gospel here in the Twin Cities through River of Hope Ministries. It was a thrill for us to brainstorm and dream with them as well as share practical advice and strategy for fundraising techniques. I know, we're such dorks, but we really love it!!!

While I strongly believe in and am always very willing to ask the Church for finances on behalf of missionaries and those in ministry, I also think its endlessly valuable for them to know how to and feel confident asking for funds for that which God has called them to. So when it comes to coaching someone through fundraising, its the whole "teach a man to fish idea."

It was nice to feel relevant and be helpful in a way that doesn't have anything to do with diapers, childcare or meals :)

Hug (or love on via the internet) a missionary today!

A Little Sweet for Your Salty

I don't know about you, but Mondays can be a little salty.

So here's a sweet little story for your Monday  :)

I love to rearrange our furniture. When you don't have interesting room designs, you have to be creative with where you put your furniture and I am always trying to find the best arrangement of our seating. I also really like comfortable seating, so rather than have the option of bringing in hard kitchen chairs to seat a crowd, I'm always looking for an inexpensive way to provide lots of comfy seats for my guests.

We always seem to have plethora of chairs. They are great chairs, in great colors, but you can only have so many chairs in 1 room before it feels awkward. Trust me.

So a few months ago, I was telling Tim that we need some loveseats. Loveseats is really what would make a huge difference in both our living room and family room. Loveseats. 2 seats in 1! What a deal!

He wasn't convinced.

Since I wasn't about to go out and buy 2 new loveseats, I filed away my bright idea.

I have trying to get better at taking my needs to the Lord before I try to finagle my own solution. He's so much better at providing for me. So I shared with God that it would really be nice to have a couple of loveseats. Then I forgot about it.

Well, in the past 2 months or so, for the grand total of $50, I have acquired 2 loveseats. And may I also say, 1 is red and 1 is blue, and they match perfectly with our other red (living room) and blue (family room) furniture.

love a good loveseat!

God is so good. He cuts my salty with the perfect amount of sweet. He knows what I need and He knows what I want, and sometimes they line up. And its sweet. Sweet like a daddy who goes out and buys you binoculars so that when you go to the N'Sync concert with your girls, you'll be able to see them dance. So sweet.

This is the God who loves us. And He loves us well. Even when our "needs" are silly and unnecessary. 

I think I need some pretzel M&Ms.....some sweet and some salty.

Happy Monday.

Fave Quote Friday

If you're new to the blog, Friday's are for a favorite quote of mine and I'm doing a series on awesome things my awesome friends have said. Although the last 2 weeks I did quote my son and my husband...I do call Jackson 'my little friend' and Tim is my best friend....so I guess it still counts.  :)

This week's quote:

"We have made a conscious decision

to not be upwardly mobile."

Downton Abby is my dream home, LOL

I love love love this! It has been a salve to my heart and has deeply challenged me.

Tim and I were chatting with some like-minded friends a couple years ago about their family members not understanding why they wouldn't want to be moving up the American food chain. You know the drill: bigger house, better neighborhood, nicer car, fancier schools, cabin, boat, etc. etc.

I love this ideal so, so very much b/c it forces me to think about what I value and what I want to teach my boys to value. This idea is counter-cultural and I think that's a good thing! I am raising my family in a super-sized society where everything just gets bigger and bigger, from the bag of baby carrots at Costco to our homes and the storage units where we keep our "extra" stuff.

I am so thankful to be an American and to be free to experience that privileges that come with my citizenship; they are many.

But bigger isn't always better.

There is nothing overtly wrong with a big house and I am all for God's blessings and sometimes that looks like a really big house. But keeping up with the Joneses is over-rated and really bad for our state of mind. I know that its always good for me to challenge the motives of my heart. Just b/c I can have something, does it mean I ought to? When does an indulgence become an over-indulgence?

I want to be able to ask myself these hard questions rather than asking myself what my "goal neighborhood" is.

I also want to get better at practicing the art of contentment. Especially in a world where it's really easy to be uncontent.

Since I do love a two-for-one, here's another quote from my Jackson: "I want what I want."  (usually said in a high-pitched whiney voice)

Isn't that the truth for all of us?!

We want what we want.

I want to want what God wants.

I want to get better at wanting what God wants.

Happy Friday, ya'll! 

Twin Survival Tips - this one takes the cake

I am going to give you my top survival tip for having twins, hands down.

No question about it, there's no competition, and it's not what you think.

flashing gang signs at breakfast, never a dull moment :)

Are you ready?

Become a runner.

That's it.

That's all I got.

Either get faster or get some serious endurance power. And don't worry, if you, like me, weren't already a runner before you discovered you were pregnant with twins, there's still plenty of time to get in appropriate shape before they are mobile. But I cannot overstress this enough.

Appropriate shape in my "twin world" qualifies as being able to sprint a city block and still have some steam left once you catch a twin at the end of that city block. Because as you carry that one back, jogging, you will need to re-catch the other twin and then carry both back to the safety of your yard while they kick and scream and put on a lovely show for the neighbors.

Not that this happened to me tonight. Purely hypothetical. Lord have mercy.

We've started taking the boys for regular walks and using that time to train them to listen quickly and learn a few things about street safety. This process takes a lot of attention and intentionality from both of us. It cannot be done with only 1 parent.

But Tim was working late and the boys were begging all day to go for a walk. It was almost time to go inside, but since I needed to return something to our neighbor anyway, I thought, what the hey? I think that should be fine, we're just gonna pop over to his house, drop it off, pop back home, sure thing. Besides, they've been getting better at listening.

I must have been experiencing an exhaustion high b/c I have no idea I was thinking.

"Popping over" went great. "Popping back," not so great. As we're teaching them to learn to listen, we want to give them a little freedom to experience what it feels like to know they have a choice to make. Well, sometimes freedom backfires.

So when a twin started running away, I called him back sternly and gave him a moment to respond. His response was to run faster.

So what do you do when the other twin then takes off in the opposite directions down the street. Well, you go for the slowest twin, stick him in the yard and foolishly think he'll stay there (since he has figured out how to open the gate latch). Then you thank God in Heaven that you've been running 4 times a week as you sprint after the other twin. In flip-flops. And no sports bra. (Just being real.)

Perhaps my next tip will be to always wear running shoes, although that's one tip I'll never follow. As practical as that would be, I just can't do it. Guess I'll be running in flips :)

5 Minute Favorite Quote Friday

This week I am taking a tip from my lovely friend Monica over at 

Elevate Ideas (LOVE her blog) and I am doing Favorite Quote Friday in 5 minutes.

Ready, go!

My quote for you this week is from my amazing husband, Tim.

"Thin does not equal beautiful."

My wise husband started saying this to me early on in our relationship and with good reason. It was something I didn't believe; I was always comparing myself to someone who I saw as skinnier than me. I still struggle with this. Only now, I compare myself  to the skinnier version of me. Because back then, I was skinny. I just didn't know it.

Sure wish I had enjoyed it more :)

In a world where babies, grief, and stress happen, and "bouncing back" doesn't always happen as fast as we want it to, our waistline and our self esteem can take a hit. Especially when we don't see ourselves properly.

there I was on my wedding day, just hanging with the ladies, being all skinny and not even knowing it 

Tim still says this to me sometimes, and by God's grace, I am still learning to believe it. I'm also practicing the art of being thankful for my body, dare I say, just the way it is.... With this healthy body that God has given me, I can run 4 miles and feel great. I can carry both of my twins at the same time, for extended periods. I can have giant, healthy babies with this body - 2 at a time! I can keep up with my boys at the park. I can live a full and active life. Even if I still have 10lbs+ to lose before I am back to my "pre-baby" weight. The twins are 2 now....I don't think its classified as baby weight anymore.

Do I wish this body were a little slimmer? Sure I do. So I'm making healthy decisions one day at a time, for me and my family. But I'm also trying to enjoy it (my life, my body) right now without feeling guilty about it. My boys don't care if my tummy is squishy and I don't fit into my old skinny jeans. I do  fit into my new skinny jeans.  :)  And my husband knows that thin doesn't equal beautiful. 

Do you?

(Ok, it took me more than 5 minutes to write this...don't know how you do it, Monica!:)

hello neighbor, do you like pie?

We've lived in our neighborhood over 2 years now and sadly, have never met our neighbors across the street. So, I went out and bought a pie. It was time to introduce ourselves. Especially under the circumstances.

Everybody likes pie, right?

Based on friendly, totally UN-stalker like neighborly observations, we were pretty sure that someone in their family had recently died. We figured the time had come to introduce ourselves and pay our respects. We found ourselves wondering if it had been their son, a child confined to a wheelchair, that they'd had to say goodbye to.

So I bought a huge pie from Costco and we were on the lookout to find a time when it looked like they were home.

It took 2 days, and quite a bit of self control with that pie, but the time had come, they were home. Let's go! Our children were dirty and barefooted and looked like urchins, but Tim needed to head out the door to church and if I had to wait another day or 2, I might need to buy a new pie.

So we traipsed over.

Only mom and 4 kids were home, but sure enough, the eldest son, their 13 yr. old, had passed away. It was an emotional introduction and a little awkward, given the language barrier, but I'm so thankful we went. And now we know their names.

I don't tell you this story as a way to pat myself on the back, but as an encouragement for all of us to be willing to appear awkward in order to love on someone we don't know, someone who we know is hurting. Beth Moore called this the "dignity of notice" in one of her Bible study videos and it has stuck with me. We all want to be noticed, especially when we're hurting.

4 morning glories, in honor of the 4 little ones who are dearly missed

That day when we met our nieghbors was a significant day as it was also the "angelversary" for 3 little ones that were members of dear families in our circle of friends. It was a day to remember, a day to grieve, and a day to give thanks for God's goodness in the midst of it all.

Again, this I know, God is enough.

He is always enough.

A Day in The Life: Grocery Shopping

A Day in The Life is a series on life with twins. Just a 

few glimpses of what its like to function as a family of

five when two of us are two. :)

these are not my twins. although, they do bear a striking resemblance!

I am often asked what its like to grocery shop with twins. For anyone who has 3 littles close in age, grocery shopping with all three can be a challenge. Just like swimming the English Channel could be a challenge for someone who only dog paddles. It takes forever and each and every time you emerge from that proverbial chamber of tortures you wipe the sweat off your brow and swear to yourself never.ever.again.

For all you historians out there, grocery shopping has always been something I have done without Tim. I've never worked full time since we've been married and so I always had the time to get it done while he was at work. That was still very true when I only had 1 little guy to take with me. Easy-peasy. We would run errands, hit garage sales, go thrifting, you name it, Jackson and I were heavy hitters when it came to a productive work day! 

Then came the twins. The first year with twins, I couldn't go to any "normal" stores like Cub or Rainbow unless we all went - no double carts. I mainly shopped at Costco b/c they were literally the only store that had a cart large enough for 2 baby seats, 1 toddler (who was still learning how NOT to run away) and oh, yeah, all my food diapers. 

A few times, I did find the nerve to venture out to a store without a suitable cart and then I would strap on one twin, put the other baby seat in the large part of the cart, and have the big one sit in the child part. Then I could only buy a few things and they had to fit in packed carefully around the sleeping twin. Gallon of milk? No way, not gonna fit.

Another coping mechanism I used a lot was the 1 mom, 2 carts, 3 kid parade. Only this parade don't give out no candy. We just move very slowly and get in everyone's way every chance we get. Awesome.

Oh and don't forget that now you have 2 (or maybe 3) pairs of tiny hands that are grabbing for things you don't plan to buy. Like that bag of marshmellows that tiny 2 is chewing on through the bag. You wrestle that away from him while breaking up the hair pulling fight in the other cart and put "gently used" marshmellows back on shelf...or maybe you just buy them b/c you are going to need them after this trip. You turn around only to discover that tiny 1 is also chewing on a bag of marshmellows. Needless to say, you buy both bags and start pushing/pulling your carts down center of aisle, which other customers love. Obviously.

At this point, you begin to ask yourself questions like who needs to eat? or are we sure we're out of milk? do you really think the kids have scurvy?

Being out of coffee always motivated me to bundle all three up, brush my teeth, load into the car...etc, etc.

A girl needs what a girl needs. Especially when that girl has twins and is exhausted all the time.

Eventually, #1 stopped running away and I also found more stores with bigger carts. Glory, glory! 

 

I have definitely my fair share of "war story" trips to the grocery store, it's just part of being a mom.  I've still never gone to the thrift store with all 3 by myself, I can't even bring myself to think about that. (Shutter.)

Giving up thrifting and the in-and-out quick grocery runs of my youth are a small price to pay for the double blessing of baby twins  :)  Cuteness always wins in the end. At least with this mama!

FQF - You can learn a lot from a 3 yr. old

One of my favorite things about parenting is when your kiddos are old enough to start saying crazy (awesome) stuff. They say the funniest things sometimes. And sometimes they say the wisest thing I hear all day.

About 2 years ago, I was praying with Jackson to heal some little owie of his. He probably spend longer convincing me to pray for this invisible owie then we spent actually praying for it. I prayed for him and when I finished, he puts his hand on my arm, catches his breath, cocks his little head to the side and says

"Mama, I hear Jesus running to heal me!"

Such childlike faith. 

Love.It.So.Much.

Right on, little man, right on.

Happy Friday, enjoy your weekend!

Preethi

We just celebrated her first birthday. Only it’s not what you’re thinking, it wasn’t a joyous day. There was no party, no cake, no balloons.

   

It was her first birthday in Heaven.

Almost a year ago now, my sweet friend went to be with Jesus. I haven’t been able to blog about her life’s impact on my life until now. Truthfully, I was impacted more by Preethi’s death than her life.

This post is very personal and precious to me and I have hesitated to share it, but it’s part of my story now and I pray God will be glorified through it.

Dad was diagnosed in January and that Spring Preethi was also diagnosed. A small, but mighty, crew of us started getting together weekly to pray for them. Some of those prayer times were the BEST prayer meetings I have ever been to.  And as someone who LOVES to pray, I have been to a lot of prayer meetings. My life was changed by praying with those women.

Changed.

In addition to Dad and Preethi, we also prayed for a precious little one still in his mama’s tummy who didn’t have any kidneys. We tackled those 3 “death sentences” with all the faith we could muster and that summer, sweet baby boy was healed! Where there had been no kidneys, there were 2 healthy kidneys. He was going to live. He could be born. Let that sink in. And then give praise to God.

We were encouraged.

Dad was encouraged.

Then he began to decline.

So we ramped up our prayers.

Dad died in September and I needed to take a break from hosting those prayer times.

When Preethi’s health began to decline the following Spring, we began meeting again.  

This time something was different. Something had changed. It was like going from black and white to color. There was an intensity to our prayers I hadn’t experienced before. There were less of our words and more of the Spirit. God was taking us deeper into the battle, behind enemy lines, and we were coming back with victory. Each of us was hearing the same thing from God, again and again; we were so amped up all we could do was to dance and worship b/c victory was ours!!! We knew she would be healed, we knew He had done it on the cross.  

I didn’t actually know Preethi very well before she got sick, but in praying for her, I felt I knew her. There’s something about praying for one another that births an intimacy of relationship. It was a gift and truly my honor to seek Heaven on her behalf.

The Friday evening of Father’s Day weekend, my 1^st Father’s Day without my beloved Dad, Preethi went to be with Jesus. I remember where I was standing in our kitchen when I got the news.

This time it was personal. When Dad died, I was, and still am, completely heartbroken. But when Preethi died, I was just pissed. It was personal this time. It was a loss that seemed to come at a higher cost. That’s how it felt to me. Preethi left a husband and 3 sweet little boys behind. Like I said, personal.

And you know what? It should be personal. We are losing too many dads, moms, little ones, and friends before their time. I want it to feel personal every single time. I want it to feel like my heart is shattering b/c what’s happening matters.  

At Preethi’s funeral, our little prayer crew sat together, “pooling” our faith. We were going to pray for a miracle until our precious friend was buried deep in the ground. We were soldiers and though the battle seemed over, we weren’t giving up yet. I spent the service going back and forth between weeping in grief and pulling myself together, reminding myself that miracles like this still happen!  

Our prayer group met one last time after her funeral to process and pray together. We seemed to have a special bond, like soldiers from the same platoon (or something…) that had experienced the battle in the same way. We needed one another to process the loss. I needed them.

My biggest take away from that time together was said by a friend: “We did more damage to hell than hell did to Preethi.”

To that I say yes and amen. Her life was taken, but she has eternal life now. As we prayed for her, and for Dad, and for baby boy, we stepped just a little more deeply into the Kingdom of God, we understand just a little bit more now of how to pray. And therefore, we will be better equipped to pray next time.

I don’t have any answers. I know what has helped me to understand better these past few years; what has gotten me through some of the grief. I have also been forced into that place of seeking out peace for things I don’t understand surrounding the loss of a loved one. I wouldn’t wish that for anyone.

Once again, I’ll sign off with 2 things I know: God is enough, and I will never regret getting into the trenches and fighting, in faith, for my friend.

Happy Birthday, Preethi

My sweet friend, rockin' her new wig. Man, she was an all star!
So thankful our paths crossed, even for just a few years. xoxo

Some tunage for your Tuesday

Hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend. So nice to have an extra day to be together as a family. :)

Even though the weather was crummy, we packed in the fun this weekend with 2 barbecues, planting our garden, a bonfire, a trip to the zoo, a family nap (even mom and dad!) and a pizza and movie night. On Monday I even made an all American meal, which is quite unusual for me, with grilled marinated chicken, homemade mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits and cupcakes for dessert. The boys gobbled it up, all four of them!

Now for the tunage. This song is fairly new to me, but I am loving it this month. Be blessed.

Favorite Quote Friday

So last week, rather than giving you a nugget from my fave devo, I quoted a dear friend of mine for the weekly installment of FQF. My sweet friend, Truth Talker, is always giving me great material :)

As a side, my Beth Moore James study, Mercy Triumphs, has "FQF" written on pretty much every page, I have barely scratched the surface. For a girl (me) who doesn't really care for studies (nope), glory, how I have loved that one. I love me some Jimmy James.

All that to say I am going to start a new series for FQF, where I just quote the rad stuff my rad friends say. If you are reading between the lines, this is your chance. Your chance to make into the hall of 'Seed' fame. HA! For real though, say something awesome to me and I will def quote you. Totes.

This week's is from quite a few years ago, during the time when we were fundraising for our ministry in Africa.

When some good friends of ours shared with us that they would be partnering with us financially, they told us that they wanted to be

"People who give sacrificially, who give into 

the Kingdom of God until it hurts."

They wanted to feel the "burn" of giving. We were so humbled by this sacrifice of theirs. So blessed to receive from them and this has stuck with me for years. I was and continue to be so challenged by this.

Its a favorite.

Happy Friday.

a post "Adoption" post.

I am loving the responses and especially the emails from last week's post on adoption! Keep 'em coming, so many of you have such valuable perspectives and experiences to share; I love the privilege of dialoging with you about this! I am late to this party and devouring all you have to say.

So, we all know that there's a risk that comes with wearing your heart on your sleeve. I myself have always been a big fan of "over sharing." I don't mind putting myself out there. I guess that's obvious...since I blog. That said, I am very, very, deeply, seriously, shy. I swear it. Just ask Tim.

On second thought, don't.

In High School, I pushed my shyness aside and put myself out there by asking the boy to prom, after college, I recruited recruited recruited until I had enough people to form a small tribe of faithful soldiers to go into the shelters with me every Friday night. After that, I may or may not have gone on a blind date just for the "practice," but you'll have to ask Tim about that one.

On second thought, don't do that either.

In my current season of life, I put myself out there on my blog. And for every person that reads my blog, there's a difference response or opinion, whether its shared with me or not. From my estimation, after last week's post and the responses I've received, some people, family members even, think Tim and I are at best ridiculously naive and at worst completely foolish and crazy.

Both may be true, although I'm pretty sure we're only crazy in a good way. Then again, I may be crazy :)

Tim and I are keenly aware of the fact that we don't know anything about adoption. We'll learn. We see our challenge in this as being willing and completely submitted to God and to trust His timing.

Good thing is we're ok with people thinking we're crazy. Its happened to us before :)  People thought we were nuts when we didn't go to Senegal. Some probably still think we're flighty. Obedient is our objective and we don't take that lightly. He called us to stay, as much as that still pains us, and our deepest desire as we wrestle with adoption is to be obedient to God once again. Even if it seems cra-cra.

What we do know is 2 fold: God loves adoption, He adopted us. And our family isn't complete yet. I can't help but wonder if the two are related. Cheers.

Look, incomplete! Pretty sure that's why the boys are unhappy, they want another sibling(s)  :)

Manic Make-over Monday

They're done, they're finally done! And here, for your viewing pleasure...the big reveal.

my newly painted cabinets!

I am pretty sure our cabinets are about 100 years old and they looked it. I have always heard that the best way to give your kitchen an inexpensive make-over is by painting the cabinets. Well, that sounded like a big project to me. Tim and I are not big into the DIY projects, repairing and restoring a fixer-upper is NOT our idea of a good time. But we do strive to be good stewards of our home and if we can increase functionality or aesthetics both easily and inexpensively, then we're all in!

Here's a before pic, doors are already off, but gives you a feel for
their "natural beauty."

My awesome crew. Always amazes me what even a small "army" of moms can accomplish!
So thankful for all their hard work, and for teaching me how to do this.

Here's a closer look at the hardware we chose. I really like it, but it was a little tedious to get on and we had to special order the hinges. Apparently no one makes black hinges and only 1 store could even order them. That's ok, I was willing to wait. :)  We have a cool, vintage style black kitchen table and I really wanted black hardware. We finished the cabinets in less than 2 days, but then it took another month to finish the hardware, touch-ups, etc. We're on twin-time!

Couple more pictures of our kitchen cabinets and their much needed make-over!

We're really happy with how everything turned out and it wasn't as challenging of a project as we thought it would be. If I had my druthers, I would pick a really bright color like turquoise for the cabinets, but I had already painted the walls blue and didn't want to repaint so I will happily "settle" for cream. Definitely brightens up our small kitchen!

We were so thankful for the fantastic coaches helping us along. Tim took 2 days off work to watch all the pre-schoolers downstairs (what a guy!) and us moms went to work! Another friend from our mom's group even brought us lunch. Such a sweet group of ladies I have had to pleasure to meet with every week for the past 4 years. We actually finished before lunchtime on the second day, which I thought was pretty amazing. 

And....we even saved a little moolah by using up some of our stash of "duplex" paint. Hazzah! 

Favorite Quote Friday

I recently heard this from my amazing friend, the Truth Talker, and I believe she heard it at a conference, or maybe from a podcast....Either way, its not new, but new to me and although I mentioned it in yesterday's post, it bears repeating.

There is no joy quite like the joy of being a part of 

the rescue and ransom of a child.

If you're not challenged by this, then I think you may be asleep! 

Happy Friday

Adoption

I'm not a very spontaneous person. I don't like surprises and I like to plan. I like to be prepared. I've always been a planner, but after having 3 little boys in 2 years time, planning has become a survival skill for me!

That said, I am beginning to see a new pattern emerging in my life. I'm beginning to like the thrill of a quick and surprising decision. For instance, bangs. I was hanging with a friend and spontaneously decided to let her cut bangs. I had been ruminating on the idea, but hadn't even looked at any pictures on Pinterest. (As if that's the ultimate test of intention...) I haven't had bangs in almost 20 years, but I really like how they turned out. "Rash" decision that seems to have paid off.

On a more meaningful plane, when it comes to the introduction of a new idea into my heart, like being ready to start a family, for instance, once I'm "ready," I'm really, really ready. In a moment, God changed my heart about wanting children, He stilled my long list of fears and renewed my hope and then BAM! I was ready to start a family. Well, about 10 months later, Jackson was born. Many times during that pregnancy I worried that I had made a rash decision and that it wasn't going to go so well, that my circumstances were not going to be compatible with a baby. God is faithful. His timing is perfect, and He brought tremendous physical healing to me and my "circumstances" were provided for. Still are. 3 little boys later :) Another "rash" decision has paid off big time.

So, other than bangs, the idea that is making itself at home in my heart is adoption. We always figured we would grow our family through adoption, but then life happened and we kinda forgot about it. I know that sounds truly terrible, but I'm just being honest.

We didn't end up joining our team in West Africa, then we had twins, then Dad died, then we got busy, then we got tired. Then life felt really hard. Then we felt like there was no way we had enough energy for adoption. Or money for that matter. Then we decided (not prayed about, decided) adoption wasn't for us. Decided we aren't called to that. The end.

Then I started sharing my heart with a dear friend and being really honest with her about how I was feeling about adoption, even the embarrassing stuff. Her response was to graciously stick it to me. She hit me between the eyes with TRUTH. I knew she would and it was really hard to heard, but I needed it. It got the ball rolling and it woke me up. I have been slumbering in the cozy blankets of status quo and the time has come. I am waist deep in my own thoughts and I know nothing of adoption, but I can't seem to shake this pervasive feeling that I must go deeper, must press in to what God is doing here. So even though this is all so fresh and new and I'm nowhere close to wrapping my mind around it, I'm blogging b/c it feels so much bigger than me, so much more important than just my own personal experience. It feels spontaneous, which is scary to me, but so very raw and real and if there anything I try to be, its authentic.

So here you go.

I once heard John Piper say (in relation to missions) that there are 3 kinds of Christians: the go-ers, the senders, and the disobedient. To say that I love that is like saying my husband kinda of likes superhero movies. Doesn't begin to do it justice.

I'm thinking out loud here, but the thing I can't seem to get out of my head this "radical" idea that this same type of philosophy applies to adoption too. That maybe there's another category for the 3 kinds of Christians: those who adopt, those who actively provide support for those who adopt, and the disobedient.

Are you still with me? Let that settle in. I know I need to.

For last past year, I have been studying the book of James and I can't get enough of him! Here is a man who shared a roof with Christ, his very own brother and he lays it out pretty plainly in James 1:27  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I don't think it's a hard jump to assume that we are all meant to wrestle with the idea of adoption and find our place within it. Do we adopt or do we play an active role in supporting a family that does? How can we make our families available for the ransom and rescue of a child?

I don't know where you're at in this journey of contemplation, I don't know what these words stir up in you,  but I'm excited about what God is doing in my heart and I'm ready to be spontaneous, to throw my plan away and be swept up in His. Its scary, but there's no better way.

Get out your leotards, folks, looks like its time to wrestle.

Favorite Quote Friday

I was blessed with a brief, but lovely moment to sit down by myself the other afternoon, and I read from my favorite devotional, Streams in the Desert.

I know I've said it before, but I love that little blue book. I seemed particularly prone to underlining that day, but I found myself especially engaged by this:

Comfort is not given to us when we are lighthearted and

cheerful. We must travel the depths of emotion in order to experience

comfort - one of God's most precious gifts.

And then we must be prepared to become coworkers with Him.

I have certainly found this to be true in my life. 

I'm confident that I have even run from God's comfort at times b/c of this knowledge: once the fragments have settled, and the comfort has soaked in, there indeed, lies an invitation. Often, a challenging one. An "impossible" one.

Needless to say, but I will say it anyway, an excellent and timely reminder.

Have a great weekend. 

Breaking the Silence

Its been almost a month since my last post, eek!

I blame the children.

And also my weariness. For which I also blame the children.  :)

As usual, life has been crazy and sometimes there's just no time to blog. Or rather, I just don't make time to blog.

Priorities people. We all have them, what are yours?

I digress...

We've been working on a few house projects, pictures to come. Or the "unveiling" if you will. Do you like my new DIY blogger lingo?  :P  If you've learned anything about me from my blog, don't hold your breathe for the pics of anything. Our house has become one of "those" homes. You know the type, where every single room has a rather obvious half done project that was abandoned in the 11th hour b/c something else needed to be worked on. A few missing pieces of hardware here, a extra coat of paint missing here, a broken pane of glass all over the floor there.....I did actually clean that one up right away. Lucky for T-Bone, I had a spare in the laundry room or mama would have been quite sad about that one.

My littles were playing swords (or something else violent) with the brooms and mops in the hallway and knocked a picture off the wall with disastrous results. Guess T-Bone thought Beck outshined him in that one.

If you live in MN, then you share our joy of the beautiful, finally-arrived, spring-ish weather we are enjoying. I love being able to send the boys outside, even if it means the come back in with all the dirt they could find and spread it around my house in 3 seconds flat. Small price.

Well, that's about it, just a few of my thoughts for the day.

I'm feeling a small spurt of bloggy-ness this week so stay tuned for a new Favorite Quote Friday tomorrow as well!

Blessings on your Thursday.

A Day in the Life: Easter Sunday

“At least I didn’t swear this year so we’re off to a good start! Certainly better than last year.” Those may or may not have been the words spoken by my husband upon (finally) packing everyone into the car for church on Easter morning. Not everyone was happy, but at least everyone was cute.

Priorities.

It was only 9:40am but everyone was already bouncing off the walls more than usual since the “Sugar-Nazi,” ME, had allowed breakfast to come from the Easter basket. It was tasty, but there were consequences…

Church was awesome and we were off to Nana’s house! Lunch, chocolate, dinner, chocolate, more Easter baskets, chocolate, jelly beans, and more chocolate.

How is it possible that my children received more candy for Easter than for Halloween? Oh well. At this rate it will last until October when it gets restocked! And Easter is way better than Halloween so I guess it works.

I don’t know if any of you do this, but whenever we are at my mom’s house, we kinda stop watching our children. Well, that’s not entirely true, unless you ask my brother, but we do stop watching them with both eyes since there are lots more adults around. Tim falls asleep on mom’s couch (every time) and I try to squeeze in as many adult conversations as possible before we have to leave and once again be the only 2 adults responsible for our 3 preschoolers. Being outnumbered is so unfair.

After a second dinner (in the car) of more chocolate we got everyone home and in bed and then finished off the night reading Christmas updates. I know. What can I say? Finally got around to catching up on everyone’s 2012, better late than never. Reading Christmas cards at Easter seems a perfect way to give you a tiny glimpse into life with twins. Never boring and never seasonally appropriate.

Happy Easter everyone, He is RISEN!!!

Disclaimer: In case you think I threw my husband under the bus by telling the world he swore on Easter Sunday (gasp!), for every “incident” like that he has, I probably have 10. So there you go. 

Embracing the CHAOS

I like peace and quiet. I like things orderly and succinct. I don’t like too much unnecessary noise (or words for that matter). I love to just BE. I don’t like to be busy or to be rushed. I am a human being not a human doing after all. I know, I know, a corny one too.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I know that’s what you were thinking, so I went ahead and said it for you.

The other day I said to Tim, “I can’t keep up with my life. I can’t respond to everyone, let alone in a timely fashion. I can’t catch my breath, literally or figuratively.” Without missing a beat, he motioned to what was going on next to us. Three little boys, all crammed into T-Bone’s crib, jumping up and down, squealing and having the time of their life.

Oh wait…my life IS those 3 little boys jumping up and down (on one another) in that crib. I need to respond (in a timely fashion) to them. I need to be present with them. I need to embrace their chaos….not complain about it. Enjoy it. Enjoy the chaos. Enjoy the chaos. If I repeat it enough, maybe it will start to happen. 

Actually, I know it will. I can’t lie, that sounds literally impossible to me, but those 3 little words, embrace the chaos, were given to me as an assignment by One who knows far more than I, so I am confident I can do it. I’m up to the challenge.

So here’s to chaos, cheers!

 busy

busy

busy

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy birthday to me!

Spent today with my sweet boys and lots (and lots) of free Caribou Coffee. I am St. Arbucks girl through and through, but FREE is free.

Mom stopped by and brought me a birthday scone (smile) and off to mom’s group we went. After that, I drove around with 3 napping boys and a lovely friend, chatting, snacking, and collecting free drinks. Yes, you read that right. More free drinks. Slurp.

Dinner of spicy enchiladas (boys had hotdogs) and homemade chocolate turtle cake! Life is good. Had to pace myself today…..my stomach may not thank me tomorrow, but today was sweet.

Change gears.

Life is good and grief is fickle.

Kind of like a fickle lover. Not like I have ever had one of those, but you get my point. He complicates things when he’s around, but you don’t want him to leave. You don’t long for his company, yet you can’t let go of his sting. You crave it even. Letting go of him feels like letting go of the loved one he may represent.

My birthday is a marker of grief. It marks 34 years of life as well as 18 months without Dad. Yes, time lessens the blow, but the ache remains. The hole can never be filled. Miss you dad. Always.

Happy birthday to me. I’ll celebrate for the both of us. Though you are at the better party.

xoxo

My babies are almost toddlers...

Oy vey.

The twins turn 2 tomorrow. TWO!

How is this possible?

I no longer have babies. I'm trying to get into the habit of calling them the twins instead of the babies. Hard habit to break.

I am strangely emotional about this milestone. While I am so overwhelmed by the three darlings I already have, the thought of not having a baby, or a couple babies, or a new baby coming soon seems so unusual to me. I don't know how to process it.

This past month has been INSANE and March is pretty much completely booked as well. Lots of birthdays coming up! Hooray for cake.

Reflections on this week:

1. We sold the duplex. Wow.

2. Both of our cell phones broke within hours of each other just 32 days short of getting new ones for free. We ended up at the store with all 3 kids for a very long time. It was great. As you maybe imagined. Certainly a surprise way to spend the evening.

3. Signed up for another 5k - eek!

4. See #1

5. My children refuse to eat anything I make. Even. Chicken. Nuggets. Unreal.

6. Splurged on a pound of Starbucks coffee (with 2 coupons) and it makes me SO happy in the morning. SO happy. Verona. Mmmmmm.

7. See #1

8. God is faithful. This should be #1.

9. I think I need a worry-free MLT vacation.

10. I like my new cell phone.

11. See #1

Selling the duplex has been a theme of our marriage for the past 5+ yrs, thus the repeat mention. We wish the transaction had gone differently, but we praise God that we no longer have to be forced into the role of property manager.

How are they 2 already?!

Dessert Make-over

I love to cook and I love how forgiving recipes can be. I'm not a very good rule follower when it comes to culinary design. I like to bake as well, just not as much as cooking. Better said, I like to eat baked good.

As you may know, rule recipe following is necessary when it comes to baking. Its literally an exact science. If you're anything like me, you sometimes throw caution to the wind regardless of this truth. Maybe you are more fortunate, but this usually doesn't work out so well for me. Slow learner.

I recently threw said caution to the wind and made some bars for an event at our home. I tasted one that afternoon purely for testing purposes. Quality control people!

They were not so good. Too dry and way too crumbly. I would have been cleaning up crumbs for the next month. No good. So......here's what I did:


So I have no idea where I got this idea from. I am fairly confident I am not stealing borrowing it from anyone, but you never know...

First, I crumbled up the whole pan into small pieces and pressed them down a bit.

And then I poured sweetened condensed milk over the top. Oh no she didn't! Oh yes, I did. Homemade sweetened condensed milk at that, thank you Pinterest. If that sounds weird to you, trust me, works like a charm every time. I am a professional and I have done this before. This little trick has never failed me and I have messed up quite a few pans of yumminess in my short life.

Then, of course, I added more chocolate chips. This also works like a charm every time. With anything :)

Then I re-baked it at about 350 for about 20-30 minutes, keeping an eye on it. This time around, you don't want it to be too gooey.

I only took a picture of it on a plate, not finished in the pan, but you get the idea. May not look like much, but it was a delicious medley of chocolate, peanut butter, and oatmeal. So good. Of course, it can't really be replicated b/c I didn't  follow a recipe and I messed it up before I fixed it...hard to duplicate. But, nonetheless, my dessert was rescued and I had a basement full of happy tummys!

So, my advice to you is if you mess up the dessert, don't fret, get out the sweetened condensed milk! Waste not, want not :)  Adding a can of that will also save you money from having the hubs run to the store to buy a ready made cake. 

Happy Tuesday. Go bake something.